{"id":1642,"date":"2024-11-24T14:04:32","date_gmt":"2024-11-24T20:04:32","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/livingyourbestlife60plus.com\/blog\/?p=1642"},"modified":"2024-11-24T14:48:17","modified_gmt":"2024-11-24T20:48:17","slug":"blended-family-holidays","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/livingyourbestlife60plus.com\/blog\/2024\/11\/24\/blended-family-holidays\/","title":{"rendered":"Blended Family Holidays"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

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\u201cLaura, this will be my fourth Christmas in a blended family. I married later in life, and my husband is older than I am. He has adult kids,\u201d Linda, the 57-year-old stepmom shared. \u201cWe visit his kids during the holidays. Everyone gets along reasonably well\u201d.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cMy problem is when we visit them my stepkids, and their partners, start reminiscing about the past. They go on and on about summer vacations, former Christmas trips, how they picked out the tree, graduations, and weddings. It\u2019s an endless list of happy memories from the days when mom and dad were still married.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhen these conversations carry on, I feel left out. It\u2019s as if I don\u2019t belong at the table. They never ask about my childhood, or my family memories. I feel foolish and immature because I know they had a good life before I came along. I can\u2019t seem to shake the hurt and isolation that rises in me when these conversations begin.  What is wrong with me? Why are these conversations generating such a negative response?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Linda\u2019s feelings are normal. There is no need for her to feel shame or embarrassment. We all want to feel as if we are included, loved, and invited. She merely doesn\u2019t understand stepfamily dynamics, and its causing her to take this personally.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A stepparent is in a position where he or she benevolently and naively strolls into an already existing family unit. Even if a divorce between the parents has occurred, the preexisting bonds, memories, and experiences have solidified them before she arrived. There is a security, acceptance, freedom to be oneself, in a safe family setting. Laughter and tears have unified them into a tight, and typically guarded turf. Even if mom and dad hate each other, the family foundation was formed before the stepparent arrived. Any new person, even one that marries into the tribe, is going to feel \u201coutside that circle\u201d. Even when a sibling brings a new person to the table, he or she will typically be embraced into the circle more quickly than a parent\u2019s new partner.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If I were to join your stepfamily for dinner it would be understood\u2014I\u2019m a guest. I\u2019m not a part of the clan. And no matter how welcoming and warm the people at the table might be, no one expects I will feel as if this is my family. Enthusiastic hospitality will allow me to join in the fun around the dinner table, but if I assume it\u2019s okay to stay the night, I\u2019m crossing a line.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For the stepparent or stepsibling, our culture has created an expectation which has harmed many stepfamilies. When Linda said, \u201cI do\u201d to her husband we assume his kids would, and should, automatically leap eagerly into \u201cinstafamily\u201d mode. We expect the stepkids to view, embrace and love her has one of them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It sounds great, it merely isn\u2019t so easy. Mature, healed stepkids might be alert to the need to include the stepfamily members into the conversation. But many don\u2019t. They don\u2019t even think of it. They aren\u2019t shunning or ignoring the stepparent. They are merely enjoying a family dinner.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For the stepparent, or stepsibling, it\u2019s completely normal to feel like an interloper. You do not have a history together. And they may, or may not, see the need to create one. Often, the reasons why mom and dad are no longer together, play a huge role in whether kids will embrace a stepfamily. If they are willing it will take time, and a desire, to create new memories with your spouse\u2019s family. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here are a few helpful suggestions for the stepparent:<\/p>\n\n\n\n