{"id":2149,"date":"2025-07-15T10:35:58","date_gmt":"2025-07-15T15:35:58","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/livingyourbestlife60plus.com\/blog\/?p=2149"},"modified":"2025-07-18T19:20:56","modified_gmt":"2025-07-19T00:20:56","slug":"the-things-i-did-right","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/livingyourbestlife60plus.com\/blog\/2025\/07\/15\/the-things-i-did-right\/","title":{"rendered":"The Things I Did Right"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Recently, my husband and I attended his son\u2019s 48th<\/sup> birthday party. It\u2019s hard to believe he was eleven when Steve and I married. Now he is grown up, with a daughter of his own.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

His celebration prompted me to reminisce about the years he and I have spent intertwined in stepfamily living. Growing up I had two stepmoms myself. Understanding the child\u2019s perspective often helps when evaluating my stepmom role, but not always.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I decided to make note of the things I did right as a stepmom, rather than ruminate and beat myself up over the things I\u2019ve done wrong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here are a few:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I Let My Stepsons Love Their Mom<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

I know my stepsons love their mom. She brought them into the world, and they have a unique bond. She is deceased now. Because I had a stepmom myself, I knew not to try to become \u201canother mom\u201d even when I didn\u2019t agree with her choices. To summarize: I give them the freedom to love their mother without fear of hurting me. This was a huge step because I wanted them to love me too. I grew to learn that it might or might not happen\u2014it can\u2019t be forced.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I learned How to Set Healthy Boundaries<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

As a full-fledged, card carrying, codependent it was very hard for me as a stepmom to discern how and when it was necessary to say\u2014NO! This included learning the difference between a healthy, humble, loving, \u201cNo, I won\u2019t let you speak to me that way\u201d response as opposed to, \u201cYou want to get ugly with me\u2014I \u2019ll show you ugly\u201d in retaliation or vengeance. I\u2019d love to say I\u2019m completely perfect at this, but I\u2019d be lying.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I Accept the Things I CAN Never Control<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

My entire world changed once I finally accepted and embraced the revelation that I\u2019ll never be able to control the actions of another person. This doesn\u2019t mean ignoring or tolerating abuse, it merely means letting go of the distorted perspective that I can manipulate, command, beg or force another person to behave in an intelligent, considerate or appropriate manner. When my stepfamily (and my biological family) chooses to reject or neglect my feeling I\u2019ve learned how to let go. I\u2019ve lost count of the times I prayed, \u201cLord, give me the mind of Christ. I need to think like you, because it hurts\u201d It\u2019s my prayer that they have observed the times I\u2019ve worked very hard to turn the other cheek without holding a grudge. But even if they never do, I do it for God first and my husband second.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I Admitted My Issues<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Did you ever drive behind a pickup truck that is so loaded to the brim with junk that the debris falls off the flatbed and flies all over the road? That\u2019s how I came into my marriage. My heart was filled with a mountain of putrid, decaying, emotional garbage. Before I could become an enjoyable mate or an effective stepmom, I needed surgery on my weary soul to remove the toxins and stench. This required professional help and time alone with God.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But I chose to do it, and Jesus pointed to the wounded places from my past that were still embedded. I assumed the pain from my childhood evaporated when I became an adult.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was wrong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jesus cleansed my sins, but he didn\u2019t wash away my brain, and the pain residing there. My thoughts needed healing and it wasn\u2019t a light shampoo. It hurt.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I Got Help for My Distorted View of Marriage<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Children of divorce often have perverted perceptions about marriage. This is especially true when the divorce was tumultuous. I was no exception. Having a single parent mom who was an, \u201cI am woman, hear me roar\u201d during the 60\u2019s and 70\u2019s didn\u2019t help. That \u201cbra burning\u201d era looked good on the cover of Newsweek, but it produced confusion and frustration when I attempted to become a wife.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I had to learn how to communicate, confront, and unify with my husband in a way that benefitted both of us. We attended community groups, marriage retreats, and absorbed good resources which strengthened our union. That\u2019s not to say all the teachings were helpful. Unfortunately, there were a few which fueled my codependency and the \u201cneed to please.\u201d Eventually, I discovered how to say no in a loving manner.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I Learned that Preaching Doesn’t Work<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

In my early years I was very aggressive about sharing my faith in Christ with Steve\u2019s sons. I discovered I was doing more to push them away, than draw them in. Instead of talking about Christ, I was pushy and preachy. I regret that more than anything. I now know more is \u201ccaught than taught.\u201d By pursuing a life that is surrendered to Jesus, it\u2019s my prayer they see Him in me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I asked my husband what he thinks I\u2019ve done right. He amazed me with this, \u201cYou\u2019re a great Nana, You show my kids what a good marriage looks like,\u201d and \u201cYou sacrifice and do things I know you don\u2019t want to do.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ve made many mistakes as a stepmom. God has forgiven me. And I pray my stepsons will too. But even if they don\u2019t, I\u2019ve asked God to use all of it for His glory.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And that\u2019s when I know I\u2019m becoming a Smart Stepmom.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Copyright 2025, May not be duplicated without permission.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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\"woman
Laure Petherbridge<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n

Laura Petherbridge is an international author and speaker who serves couples and single adults with topics on relationships, stepfamilies, singles, divorce prevention, and divorce recovery. She is the author of When \u201cI Do\u201d Becomes \u201cI Don\u2019t\u201d\u2014Practical Steps for Healing During Separation and Divorce, The Smart Stepmom, <\/em>co-authored with Ron Deal, and 101 Tips for The Smart Stepmom: Expert Advice From One Stepmom to Another. <\/em>Her website is www.TheSmartStepmom.com<\/a>. Watch her most recent broadcast with Family Life Blended<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

My entire world changed once I finally accepted and embraced the revelation that I\u2019ll never be able to control the actions of another person. This doesn\u2019t mean ignoring or tolerating abuse, it merely means letting go of the distorted perspective that I can manipulate, command, beg or force another person to behave in an intelligent, considerate or appropriate manner.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":27,"featured_media":2152,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[15,178],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2149","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-soul","category-stepfamilies"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/livingyourbestlife60plus.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2149","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/livingyourbestlife60plus.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/livingyourbestlife60plus.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/livingyourbestlife60plus.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/27"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/livingyourbestlife60plus.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2149"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/livingyourbestlife60plus.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2149\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2160,"href":"https:\/\/livingyourbestlife60plus.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2149\/revisions\/2160"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/livingyourbestlife60plus.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2152"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/livingyourbestlife60plus.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2149"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/livingyourbestlife60plus.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2149"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/livingyourbestlife60plus.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2149"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}