{"id":917,"date":"2023-11-30T11:46:41","date_gmt":"2023-11-30T17:46:41","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/livingyourbestlife60plus.com\/blog\/?p=917"},"modified":"2024-06-19T06:11:35","modified_gmt":"2024-06-19T11:11:35","slug":"holidays-in-a-step-family","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/livingyourbestlife60plus.com\/blog\/2023\/11\/30\/holidays-in-a-step-family\/","title":{"rendered":"Holidays in a Step-Family"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\u201cI feel badly for my kids and stepkids during the holidays,\u201d Amber, a stepmom explained. \u201cThey are shuffled between homes, unfamiliar traditions, and new stepfamily members. I can tell it\u2019s stressful for them. I wish there was something I could do to make it easier.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Amber recognizes the complexities and tension the holidays can stir in a stepfamily.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Here are some ideas that can help:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Early Communication<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
There are two areas where Amber is responsible for communication. The sooner she has these discussions the better it is for everyone. First, is with her former spouse. If possible, a calm discussion reviewing visitation times and places is crucial. The children should not enter this chat, it should be conducted between two mature adults who care more about the children then they do, \u201cwinning the day.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The second is with her own children explaining the plans that she and their father have decided upon.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Amber\u2019s husband should be the one to have the same discussion with his former spouse. It\u2019s not uncommon for a husband to put off the conversation with his ex-wife until the last minute. This is especially true if they have a tumultuous relationship. However, waiting only creates more<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Many divorce agreements or court orders clearly define the parameters for holidays. If one of the former spouses refuses to abide by the legal agreement that\u2019s when major disruption occurs. However, you cannot control the other person or the other home.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Recognize reality<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s normal for a stepparent to desire, \u201cheavenly peace,\u201d during the holidays. However, sometimes that isn\u2019t possible. Learning what\u2019s possible to control and letting go of the things that cannot be controlled is a huge learning curve. For example, if the husband\u2019s ex-spouse chooses to withhold the children or create chaos at the last minute, that is something the stepmom cannot control. Fighting, demanding, and threatening typically do not resolve conflict.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
A stepparent\u2019s job is to help the spouse think through the options available or assisting in seeking wise counsel, including legal help after the holidays are over.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Lower the Expectations<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
If there is a history of drama with certain family members, or a former spouse, assume and prepare that it is probable to happen again this year. It\u2019s advisable for the couple to have a rational conversation regarding how they will respond if the former spouse chooses the same actions this year.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
If the struggle over having the kids on Christmas day becomes so intense that it ruins everyone\u2019s holiday, including the children, then it might be advisable to have the celebration with them on a different day.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019m not suggesting they let the former spouse rule everything. I am recommending that they work toward peace, even if it means sacrificing what you prefer for the sake of the children.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Keep the Main Thing the Main Thing<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
The goal for the holidays should not be focused on a price tag or the number of gifts received. Instead, whenever possible create memories of a home filled with respect, compromise, and tranquility. Amber can set the tone in her home by creating a warm atmosphere where her children and her stepchildren know they are loved. Even when the former spouses attempt to disrupt the peace, she can still create calm in her home. It\u2019s not easy, especially if Amber\u2019s own children are being affected by the other home\u2019s decisions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
She will need to continuously ask herself, \u201cWhen my children and stepchildren grow up what memories do I want them to have about Christmas in our home? What is within my control to help these children have pleasant thoughts and experiences? Will they remember the night we laughed while baking cookies or the fight over who has them on Christmas Eve?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Acknowledge the Loss<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
All stepfamilies are formed out of loss. A death or divorce has occurred, and that means grief\u2014for everyone. Holidays and memories have a habit of triggering various emotions. One way to help a family member accept the changes the remarriage has created is to acknowledge their wound.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
For example, if Amber\u2019s mother-in-law is hurt or angry that the family doesn\u2019t have the same traditions and plans as they did when her son was married to his first wife it will go a long way if she mentions that hurt. \u201cI know when Joe was married to Jan you used to have a big dinner at your house on Christmas Eve and you made all your family\u2019s traditional foods. And now, since his divorce and our remarriage, all of that has changed. I\u2019m so sorry. That must be painful. I can see how it might cause resentment. What can I do to ease the situation? Would you like to make the pie they love and bring it Sunday when the kids are here instead?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When a family member believes no one comprehends their pain, they tend to lash out. Knowing someone sees what she has lost, or how her traditions have dissolved, can help extended family members get on board with the stepfamily dynamics that may be vastly different.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Amber can\u2019t control the actions of anyone else \u2013 not even her husband should he choose to respond poorly. However, she can opt to look at the baby in the manger who knows more about rejection, being hated, and discord than anyone else who is ever lived.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He also has half siblings. Jesus knows what it\u2019s like to be in a stepfamily. And his half siblings didn\u2019t always support Him. Sometimes they were downright nasty.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In my 38-year stepmom journey I can remember more than one Christmas when I wanted to walk out to the manger in the Nativity scene in my front yard and ask Baby Jesus to move over. I needed to find a place of heavenly peace the angels sang about. It didn\u2019t matter that I was in New York, and it was 10 degrees outside.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I knew He was the only one that could provide rest for my weary soul. And I was desperate.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Fortunately, the Holy Spirit never leaves us. His comfort and joy are always available to those who call upon Him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<\/a><\/figure>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n
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