Every day, I try to rise above the negativity—my own as well as the negativity swirling around in the rest of the world. I work hard to live a life of purpose and meaning and sharing and growth and kindness and connection, with a generous dose of fun thrown in. I exercise and walk in nature. I eat healthy foods and drink plenty of water. I meditate. I sleep well. I have clear goals as well as plans to stay on track for as long as it takes to reach them.
Occasionally, I even clean my house.
Actual Feelings
For the most part, all this positivity works pretty well. But the flip side is that sometimes I’m trying so hard to be positive, I’m not feeling my actual feelings. And sometimes those feelings aren’t all sunshine and rainbows.
I can eventually tell I’m doing this because I find myself getting more and more stuck. I’m either circling around aimlessly, knowing what I should be doing but having a hard time settling in. Or, even though I truly believe that long shots can happen if you put in the work, I realize I haven’t been taking as many long shots lately. I’m holding myself back and starting to play it safe.
Fear Holds Us Back
It’s fear. We all feel it. It’s programmed into our nervous systems and it’s designed to keep us safe.
“Of course you’re afraid,” a character in my novel Time Flies says. “We’re all afraid. There are only two choices: afraid and boring.”
“Fear is a fact of a well-lived life,” I say in my nonfiction book Never Too Late: Your Roadmap to Reinvention.
We all have those big primal fears, like sickness and death and abandonment and loneliness and aging and loss of meaning. Lots of us have phobias like heights and highway driving. Or fear of failure or fear of success, or both.
And then there’s disaster fantasizing. Maybe it’s just me, but I think that might be the biggest category of all.
All that fear can really get in our way.
Write it Down
So here’s a little trick that works for me. I find a place to hide away and grab a sheet of paper. Not a fancy sheet of paper. Not a page in my notebook. Maybe a piece of computer paper. Maybe just a piece of junk mail with an empty side. And as quickly as I can, without overthinking it and without censoring myself or worrying about grammar or spelling, I write down everything I can think of that I’m afraid of.
When I’m finished, I make myself read it. If there’s a fear on the list I can actually do something about, I make a plan for that. But most of what I’ve written is pretty superficial, even cringe-worthy. What-if kinds of things that probably won’t happen, and even if they do, won’t matter all that much in the scheme of things. Seeing my fears spelled out this way really demystifies them and helps me put things in perspective.
Let it Go
And then I grab a pair of scissors. I cut my fears into tiny illegible pieces and throw them all away in the nearest wastebasket. The whole thing only takes a few minutes. Writing down my fears and letting them go clears the air for me. And the best part is that it always gives me a renewed sense of energy and focus.
Some people make this kind of ritual a daily or even a twice-daily thing. Some people like to get more dramatic and burn their paper fears. Others rip the paper in half and shred it through a tiny hand shredder like this one: https://amzn.to/3ITxWe4.
Some people make this kind of ritual a daily or even a twice-daily thing. Some people like to get more dramatic and burn their paper fears. Others rip the paper in half and shred it through a tiny hand shredder like this one: https://amzn.to/3ITxWe4.
Still others turn their fear shreds into paper mâché sculptures or garden compost or stuffing for handmade cat toys.
Whatever works! (And these people may well end up as characters in one of my future novels!)
Positivity Bubble
But I like to keep it simple. Also, I only use my fear ritual once in a while. Because most of the time my positivity bubble is a great place to live.
What works for you? Do you have a fear ritual I should know about? Feel free to share your responses here!
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Claire Cook wrote her first book in her minivan when she was 45. At 50, she walked the red carpet at the Hollywood premiere of the romantic comedy movie adaption of Must Love Dogs. She’s now now the New York Times, USA Today and international bestselling author of 23 books. Her books have been translated into 14 languages. She says: “Take it from me, if you have a buried dream, it’s never too late!”
Learn more and subscribe to her newsletter at clairecook.com.
Thank you! This is EXCELLENT! I will give it a try. For me, I wake up super early in the mornings and the first thing I do is quote scriptures that deal with fear and God’s strength. I recite Psalm 27:1, Isaiah 41:10, psalm 46:1, etc…. knowing, and reminding God, that I am doing my best to let him have control, helps me a lot. I too, was born with the sunny disposition so I try to live my life in that space as much as possible and telling the enemy that he doesn’t but that GOD DOES have control over my life each day that I wake up, gives me joy.
I’m so glad you enjoyed my post, Debbie, and thanks so much for sharing your thoughts!
Great concept! I also like your “positivity bubble.” I try to live there as well. I have always encouraged others to “write it down”, otherwise we struggle to hold on to whatever the emotion or grief might be. When we write it down, we have permission to release our grip a little at a time. After a while, we’ll notice, we’re not really holding on to that emotion anymore. Thanks for your insight.
Thanks so much for sharing your insight, Lauren! And cheers to living in that positivity bubble!!