I have been doing this series on marriage for the Christian woman who is feeling hopeless and living in a lifeless marriage. If that is you, you’ve come to the right place. I was exactly where you are, feeling exactly like you’re feeling. God woke me up and showed me that my life and my marriage could look completely different. I had to trust him. I had to stop being so stubborn. I had to stop blaming and complaining. I had to let go of all the anger I was holding onto for different people, especially my husband. I had to look at myself, take responsibility and be willing to do things differently. How about you? Are you at this place? Nothing will change unless you are willing to change.
My first question is: have you looked at your spiritual life? Like I’ve said I’m a Bible believing Christian. I’m asking do you have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ? Do you read or study God’s word? Do you pray? Where are you getting your instruction from? Your feelings? This isn’t about making you feel guilty. This is important. Are you allowing your friends or social media to influence you more than God can influence you? You don’t know where to start? Pray about it! Ask God to show you. Be open. Get the free app Abide and download it. It is a 2-minute Christian app. Commit to listening to it every morning for a week. I also recommend Our Daily Bread. It’s free and you can download that app. It’s not that there are not resources. It’s making it a priority. We spend time on the things we feel are important. So, I’m going to challenge you here. These are some simple things you can do. This is where God is changing me. We can deceive ourselves. The best thing you can do to improve your marriage is get your heart right. And how do you do that? You spend time in God’s word, you pray and surrender your desire to be right. You humble yourself and pray for those who have offended you. You let go of bitterness over and over. You talk to God and let him know how much you appreciate what he’s already given you. You come to him with a thankful heart. Start with the little things.
For me I always wanted to be married. I also wanted to be a successful businesswoman. I wanted children. He gave me the desires of my heart and then some and there are still unanswered prayers in my life, that I bring to him. I’m a continuous work in progress. But I’m telling you, he is the source. When I depart and get caught up in myself and am prideful, that’s when I need his help the most. He has given me unconditional love for my husband. He has broken down so many of my protective walls that Satan had convinced me I needed. I hope I’m challenging you here. Where is your personal relationship with your creator. You must start here.
The next area I want to talk about is how are you feeling about yourself? Your purpose? Where are you putting your time? Do you like yourself? What are you doing with your time that makes you feel stuck and that is not rewarding? Maybe you’ve been doing something, and it served you at some point but it’s no longer serving you? But maybe you don’t want to offend anyone, it’s so important for you to be liked you continue to do it, because you don’t want to upset anyone. How you feel about yourself matters. Where in your life have you become a people pleaser? Assess yourself right here. Where are you bored? Where are you doing something that it’s making you miserable but it’s easier to keep doing it because you feel it’s too hard to change? You have got to take 100% responsibility for you. That’s what we are doing right here. What I’m talking about here is a significant piece to the puzzle of your marriage. How are you feeling about yourself? Are you stuck? Are you unhappy? No one knows the answers to these questions better than yourself. Where have you been lying to yourself?
We cannot change what we do not acknowledge. I think the biggest trap we can get into is doing the same thing even if we are miserable because change is scary. What if the new and different doesn’t work out. I’m here to tell you, from my own personal experience, my marriage was dead because I was dead inside. I was bored, I was at a place where I had been a people pleaser in different areas of my life and had shrunk myself to someone I didn’t even know. Is this sounding familiar about yourself? This is exactly where God found me. And the exciting piece is this is where everything began to change.
Self-Assessment
I want you to take out that journal and write all the things you are putting your time into and how much time you’re putting into those things. Now I want you to rate each one of those things. A 10 means you get a ton of fulfillment to a 1 meaning it’s an obligation and you wish you weren’t doing it.
Now the next thing I want you to do is write down all the things you like to do. Write down the things you’re good at. Are you a person who loves to plant and garden? Are you a person who loves to write? Do you love to speak? Are you good at entertaining? Teaching? Cooking? What are you uniquely good at? Write the things you used to be good at that you don’t do anymore. I believe God has made us uniquely good at things. A lot of us are putting ourselves doing things we don’t like because someone asked us. We were people pleasing. This is an assessment of who we are and where we are putting our time. You may think this is being self-indulgent. I don’t think so. All progress starts by telling the truth. And telling the truth starts by telling ourselves the truth. The reason I personally felt so dead inside is because I had lost myself. When I assessed my life and realized some of the things I was doing, I saw that God had a bigger and better plan.
Spend time assessing, get rid of the things you are doing that are no longer serving you. Is ok to say no and to do something different. Figure out what God wants to show you, where to use your gifts and talents. Take your eyes off your spouse and stop believing somehow it is his fault you are dissatisfied with your life. What a burden this puts on him. And what’s weird is, men don’t usually know you are doing it; we don’t even realize we are doing it. But on some level, it works. If it’s their fault we are miserable and dead, then they should do something about it. That’s a never-ending loop, that doesn’t work. We have this slow simmer of irritation. If it’s their fault, we don’t have to accept responsibility.
Are you willing to spend time evaluating yourself? Are you willing to pray about it and ask God to show you, you!
Play Life Offensively
As we move through this series on marriage, I continuously ask you questions. I want you to learn about yourself. Sometimes in life we can get stuck in a place of scarcity and fear. We start playing the game of life to not lose instead of looking at this incredible life that is a gift and creating an offense. I believe that’s how God has designed us. I believe he wants us to be optimistic, grateful, and confident. He wants us to use the gifts and talents that make us unique. When you look at your children, don’t you want the best for them? I believe that’s what God wants for us. This self-assessment can be a game changer. God took me from a place of being dead inside to a place of being excited to get up in the morning. He showed me areas of my life that I needed to look at and make some changes. It was scary at times, but each step I took I felt a little more alive and gained a little more confidence. It wasn’t my husband’s fault I had gotten to that place; it was my own doing. He was just my fall guy. The more I journaled about things I was doing and was miserable at, I figured out the things I needed to leave and start my own thing. This series is a product of a change I made. I started it from scratch, no training, but I took a leap of faith. It’s given me a place to use some of the things God has given me to use. He’s grown me through this process. My husband is totally supportive. He knows how happy it makes me. I have something separate from him to pour myself into. That is my hope and prayer for you as we are on this journey. God has a unique plan for you too!
A Loving, Thriving, Passionate Marriage is Possible
The biggest thing God showed me was that this desire to have a loving, thriving, and passionate marriage was possible. But I had to do the work on me as he showed me my own stuff. He called me to trust him. My biggest benefit is my marriage is now thriving. My husband is my partner and my friend. I’m doing things I absolutely love. I still have setbacks, but I feel I have purpose, I feel God is using me. I’m happier with me. I feel like I’m living proof change is possible.
So, these are the action steps from this installment. Evaluate your spiritual life. What new step do you need to take? Are you willing to take it? The second step is doing a personal evaluation of yourself. Getting honest with where you are feeling dead. Where you are people pleasing? Where you are complaining and blaming? Write it all down. Look at it with fresh eyes. Where do you need to do something different? Write down some of the ideas you come up with. You know if I’m speaking to you right now. Continue on this journey with me.
Monette hosts a weekly podcast: Mornings with Monette. She has been a lifelong learner and and appreciates the opportunity to share what she has learned–both through her podcast and here at The Best-Life Project (based on the content of her weekly podcast). Her messages are raw, honest and straight from the heart. She lives in Albuquerque, NM with her husband Leland. They have three adult children and are enjoying living their best lives filled with travel and adventure.