Last week, we talked about our feelings of unworthiness. I encouraged you to get to the source: spend time each morning with our creator. I shared a couple of apps that I use. I suggested you get a prayer journal and that each morning you write the prayers you have on your heart!
Now here’s a direct question. Be honest. Do you want a strong, thriving passionate loving marriage? Don’t give a flippant answer, something like “of course I do.” Do you really want this, or do you like how it’s going? He has his things, you have your things, you don’t fight much, you like your arrangement. I want you to be truthful and honest. No one knows what goes in your mind except God. Our mind is a playground of thoughts. Your brain is going 24/7. Do you fantasize about being married to someone else? Do you think sometimes I could do better by myself? Or maybe you think my kids need me, I’m their advocate, they are my number 1 priority, I’ll work on my marriage when the kids are out of the house. Are you holding your spouse hostage in your mind with anger. Are there things that have happened throughout your marriage for which you have never forgiven him? How do you feel about your marriage right now? Do you love him? Is there any passion in your marriage? As I ask you these questions how does it make you feel?
I’ve shared a lot about Christian marriage, who we are in Christ, where we get our worth. Now, we’ve come to you! You know your heart; you know your mind. Do you want a strong thriving passionate marriage? We can fool ourselves. We can say and do one thing on the outside, but our inner thoughts are where the truth lies. Right now, are you ok with your marriage? Or maybe down deep, you know where you both have veered off the path. You are cordial, it’s good enough. You’ve figured out how to get along but you’re basically good roommates.
I can ask this because I’ve been here.
Unconditional Love
A while back I was thinking about raising my kids. They are all on their own now. I loved being a mom! I was thinking how God designed moms to love their kids unconditionally. That no matter what they did, or do, I do not hold a grudge. They could kill someone and my feelings for them would not change. It’s almost magical. I don’t have to produce those feelings, they are innate. Do you feel this way? I believe our unconditional love for our children is a gift from God.
Then started thinking about my relationship with my husband. Why didn’t God give me unconditional love for my spouse. It is not the same. I can remember some of our first arguments. I can remember when I felt injustice, unfairness, his anger, words I said that I still regret in a fight we had 20 years ago. I have a pretty good recall of the ugliness we went through in our marriage. I’ve wondered why didn’t God give me that same unconditional love for my husband that he gave me for my kids. Have you ever thought about this?
We Get to Choose
Here’s the answer I’ve come up with. Marriage is supposed to be this way. If we had unconditional love for our husband, we wouldn’t have to learn to forgive. We wouldn’t have to consciously learn how to see the things in us that are deceitful and selfish. We wouldn’t have to see that loving our spouse is a choice, not a given. Think about how marriage has changed you. It grows you up, it matures you. You learn to collaborate, cooperate, and build something with another person. You give your spouse your trust. You learn to forgive or not, and work to adjust to each other’s differences. We get to exercise free will, use our thinking brain. If we choose, we can create a beautiful strong, thriving passionate marriage—or not.
Now, back to the original question I was asking. Do you want a strong, thriving passionate loving marriage? Are you willing to do the things it will take? Or are you are thinking this is all good, but this will never work for me? We all have our reasons and justifications. Maybe you think your husband is a jerk; it is what it is; there is no hope; or this is as good as it will ever be. You’re convinced. If you are to the place where you or your spouse are threatening divorce, it is serious. It is not a game. It will not give you or him leverage. This is the beginning of the end. You have injected the thought.
Again, I am not you. I do not know your specifics. But this is serious. Once the conversation of divorce enters the picture, your marriage is in trouble. It doesn’t mean it has to be over, but it is serious. This is one of the most important decisions you can make in your marriage. Please never put the question of divorce on the table—especially in moments of anger! So, my question now: “Is your marriage worth saving?”
This is why I believe God has put this on my heart. I believe God can save a marriage. This is where, like my mom used to say, “the rubber meets the road!” Do you love your spouse? Do you want a strong, thriving passionate loving marriage? Because I believe this is a choice! You can’t run to family or friends and share all the ugliness of your marriage and then expect them to stand strong and be supportive to help you stay married during the tough times.
Our Thoughts are Powerful
The Bible teaches believers to “take every thought captive” (2 Corinthians 10:5, NIV). This means capturing thoughts that oppose God’s knowledge, making them obey Christ. It guards against ungodly thinking, aligning with Christian values and avoiding faith-conflicting ideas.
If we get honest and we make the decision we want that thriving passionate marriage, what’s the next step after putting our priorities straight and spending time with God each morning?
The next step is rebuilding your passion for your husband. Remember I asked you to write down your love story? How did you meet your husband; how did you fall in love with him? Revisit it all. The feelings, the thoughts you had about him, and the dreams you had for your marriage. What did he say and do that made your heart melt? Think about that euphoric feeling. That is still available. It’s one thought away. We take for granted how powerful our thoughts are. Remember when you were first married, you felt the sun rose and set on your spouse. He could do no wrong. Even if he did something that kind of bugged you, it was a minor offense. You let it go. You just knew you loved him. Remember those feelings. Don’t start defending your anger and disappointment. It’s the very beginning of “taking your thoughts captive.” We get to choose. What if you could be more attracted to your spouse, more in love, more connected than you were when you first got married?
God has given you the gift of your spouse. Satan will do everything possible to destroy this. That is why I started this topic with the foundation we built. Marriage is God’s idea. If you continue to listen to the world, you will have a counterfeit marriage.
Homework Step 1
So, this is your homework for this week, Get out that journal. Write and think about the good stuff when you first met, when you fell in love. Write all the details. This should be fun. Think through from that point to now; everything you can think of that made you love your husband more. Those feelings of when he surprised you with something. Trips you’ve been on where you totally connected. Your unforgettable dates you’ve experienced. Every time you think of something else write it down. Allow yourself to take a journey down memory lane. Remember your feelings of passion. This is the good stuff! Write as much as you can think of. Now, sit in these feelings. Indulge yourself in these feelings. God gave us the ability to remember. Keep returning to your journal when other things come to mind.
Homework Step 2
Next, pray for your husband. There was one season of my marriage where I did not want to stay married. Satan was working overtime. He knew where I was vulnerable and that’s where he attacked. I went to see my Christian counselor friend with full intent to end my marriage. He talked me off the ledge. He knew I was in a spiritual battle. He had me read The Praying Wife I hated that assignment! I read the book and began to pray for my husband. I did the assignment because I was willing to humble myself enough to listen. Thru this God softened my heart! I want you to make a promise to me, you will pray for your husband. God can perform form miracles.
Homework Step 3
Come back next week and keep following along. We are on this journey together, not to just save your marriage from divorce but to have that strong passionate loving marriage.
If this is your first installment, I encourage you to go back to the first and read/listen to each one in this series. They build on each other!
Monette hosts a weekly podcast: Mornings with Monette. She has been a life-long learner and and appreciates the opportunity to share what she has learned–both through her podcast and here at The Best-Life Project (based on the content of her weekly podcast). Her messages are raw, honest and straight from the heart. She lives in Albuquerque, NM with her husband Leland. They have three adult children and are enjoying living their best lives filled with travel and adventure.