What does growing older mean to you?
My patients have heard me pose this question many times over the years in my work as a clinical psychologist. And it’s a question I have often discussed with my older patients.
Regret
To this broad, open-ended question I have received a vast array of responses. But there is a common theme among the responses I’ve heard over the years: Regret!
A common regret my older patients have shared is that they’ve held onto offenses far too long. The hurts they experienced were most often inflicted by significant others, parents, grown children, and friends.
Some of the offenses they reported experiencing were small and insignificant, such as arguments and differences of opinion. Other offenses are described as “life altering.” These include extra marital affairs and other disloyalties.
Most admitted that a lifetime is too long to hold onto these hurtful offenses. I agree.
Reflection
It seems the older we get, the more perspective we have about our past. We become more thoughtful about our lives, how we are spending our time, and with whom we are spending it. This reflection is usually not a problem if we are taking a positive approach toward assessing our past.
Thinking back over our lives is a natural part of aging. And our reflection can lead to healing in our personal relationships, making amends for our wrongs, and forgiving people who have wronged us.
Resentment
I have provided therapy for many folks imprisoned by their resentments and their lack of forgiveness toward people who have hurt them in some way. Sadly, holding onto resentments can lead to the development of physical and mental health problems.
But I have also experienced the joy of working with individuals who live free from the heavy burden of hurt and offenses. And what I find amazing is the difference in people who choose to forgive those who have hurt them.
Renewal
The mindset and physical appearance of an individual who forgives others is beautiful. These folks are much more positive in their outlook on life. They look younger and brighter than their counterparts who hold onto hurts and offenses.
Choosing forgiveness, however, is not always easy.
Forgiveness is a matter of the heart—not the words we say with our mouths. We can say, for example, that we forgive someone for the hurt and pain they have caused us. But our hearts may say something else. Forgiveness is not about the words that we speak—forgiveness goes much deeper than that.
The fact that forgiveness is a matter of the heart means that forgiveness is a process. We don’t just flip a switch and watch forgiveness happen. (If only!) Forgiveness and letting go of offenses require work! I know, I know. That’s not what we want to hear. But trust me when I say it’s more than worth the work and time it takes to let go and forgive.
It’s a choice we all face. We are all provided the opportunity and choice to forgive or not forgive—the choice to hate or not to hate, the choice to stay angry or not to stay angry. And we all make these choices no matter what our circumstances.
The truth is, we can let go of it—all of it. Even if we have carried the painful burden of unforgiveness around with us for decades, we can walk free. We can grow older without the regret of hanging onto offenses and hurts.
The unnecessary luggage that is packed with unforgiveness, hurt, disappointments, anger, and resentments can be tossed off our shoulders and carried no more! Yes, that baggage we’ve been hauling around for a lifetime can be permanently unloaded from us. We can be free.
But it’s our choice. We must actively choose to forgive. To choose forgiveness is to choose freedom.
Forgiveness equals freedom.
Dr. Tammy is an inspirational speaker, author, and clinical psychologist. She is the creator and founder of the National Organization, Sisters Supporting Sisters. Dr. Tammy is also the creator, producer, and host of “A New Day” with Dr. Tammy—a program dedicated to offering hope, resources, and insight for her viewing audiences. “A New Day” With Dr. Tammy airs on Smart Lifestyle Television with the Loma Linda Broadcasting Network.
Thank you, Tammy! TRUTH spoken. It IS hard.
Thank you Debbie! Yes it’s so difficult but oh so worth it. I plan to write a follow up article about some practical and helpful ways to let go of hurts and resentments. Best to you!!! 😉
Let go and let God. You can’t change what has happened but you can change your reactions to it. It is very hard and takes time to get through it. It’s a form of grief and everyone deals with things different and in their own time and way. Good article.
WOW!!! Thanks! You nailed it on this topic. Most of us follow the 10 Commandments but Forgiving those who’ve broken the 10 Commandments to us or others is a major hurdle. There’s just so many ways we can be deeply hurt by someone and it’s not easy to fully forgive in our hearts. Especially when it comes to rape, murder, betrayal, theft, jealousy, etc.
But, I recently Forgave a woman in my neighborhood for her nasty gossip a year ago. I confronted her and it felt so good to let it go forgiving her. She felt the same. So it’s all good now when we see each other.
I had the same experience at my work where I was dealing with mean saleswomen. Long story short – after 1 came back to work after being at a Pain Drug treatment place to get clean she was different and much better. I let her know how I could see the improved change in her and I wanted to “draw a line in the sand” and start over. She agreed. I told her I Respected her going to Drug treatment and I had her back. We hugged and I / we felt wonderful for the Forgiveness. Her mean friend found out about this and she apologized to me for her also being so mean to me. I’d Forgiven both and now we’re all great friends. We even joke about it.
But, I’m still working on one in the family which I hope to Forgive soon. Giving it to God to help me.