A few months ago, I woke up at 3 AM, unable to go back to sleep, I felt the Holy Spirit telling me to address the topic of marriage. I did not go back to sleep that night and I have been dealing with this topic ever since!
Target Customer
In marketing, you always start by thinking about your target customer. So, who is she? Who is my “target customer”? Who am I writing for?
The Christian woman that wants to give up on her marriage! Maybe not taking the physical steps right now, but it’s how her heart feels. And so, she continues to buffer her feelings away, either through putting her love and attention into her kids and ignoring her husband, overeating, staying busy with activities so she doesn’t have to stay home with her spouse, or pouring into her closest girlfriends sharing her hopes and dreams and probably indulging in husband bashing! Or she may just be living a secret life in her thoughts but outwardly going through the motions of marriage and just existing in this life. It is likely that you either are that woman, you’ve been that woman, or one of your closest friends is that woman.
Recently I heard that 2/3 of the people that file for divorce are women. So where are you on the spectrum? Are you thriving in your marriage? Are you passively just going through the motions, or are you on the verge of throwing in the towel? Wherever you are, I have been exactly where you are; feeling the way you are feeling.
I want to bring you hope. It doesn’t have to stay this way. My hope comes from not the world’s answers but from God’s answers. He created marriage and has the solutions for marriage. If you’re new to my multi-week marriage series, don’t stop reading because you think I’m going to talk religion, giving you PollyAna answers and trite phrases. We are talking about real life here. Marriage can be hard! When you bring two sinful selfish people together in marriage it will be difficult! But the good news is God wants his children to depend on him, to love him first and he will give us the answers on how to get through whatever difficulty you are facing. God knows your spouse and God knows you! He gave us free will. What we do with that is up to us. We can do it our way, or we can humble ourselves and go to the creator who created us and marriage and do it his way. Let me tell you, I’ve done both! If you’re hanging in here, and are still paying attention after that review, I want to get into the topic I think that is harming your marriage!
Procrastination
Today’s topic is procrastination! What emotion does that trigger for you. Are you a procrastinator? Do you put off what needs to be done? Do you keep kicking the can down the road? Do you have areas where you make the decision to not deal with something?
Procrastination is “the act of delaying or postponing tasks, often despite knowing that doing so may lead to negative consequences.” It involves voluntarily deferring actions or decisions, usually replacing them with more pleasurable but less urgent tasks. We are all guilty of this, right?
Here’s how I recently experienced this. As I’ve mentioned previously, I play tennis and have captained tennis teams for 5 years now. I recently decided not to captain a team this spring and play on someone else’s team. Sounds innocent enough right? But if you know USTA tennis it’s fun, but also competitive. Anyway, I did not let my last team members know my decision, and sure enough a few weeks later, the tennis ratings come out and the next thing that happens is my past team members are being contacted to play on these other teams and my phone starts blowing up with text messages, emails, and calls. People didn’t know what was going on. It was terrible. I apologized for my mistake, but the carnage was out there because I procrastinated. There were hurt feelings and misunderstandings. It could have all been avoided had I not procrastinated and let the team know my decision. I should not have put it off. It was awful. I felt terrible! I accepted responsibility and cleaned up my mess, which could have all been avoided—but I had procrastinated. This is a personal example of mine. Where has procrastination caused a problem in your life that you could have avoided?
Let’s get back to our marriage topic! How is procrastination slowly destroying your marriage? Again, here is the definition of Procrastination: “Delaying or postponing tasks, often despite knowing this may lead to negative consequences.” What does this bring to mind about your marriage? Are you and your spouse sleeping in separate bedrooms because he snores and you haven’t found a better solution? Has your daily schedule gotten so full, you’re exhausted and drained and have nothing left for your spouse? Whatever your personal situation is, you know you are procrastinating about, it is your personal thing.
Here’s one that has a negative effect on your marriage. Did you physically stop going to church during the pandemic, you’re watching it on line and now that’s not even happening? You’ll get back someday! Procrastination. It may not happen right away, but I have sat with too many of my friends who have gone through divorce. It’s that glaring thing that we procrastinate about. We know it’s there, but we keep putting it off.
Here’s one that no one likes to talk about. Are you putting off having a physical relationship with your husband? This may sound harsh, but if it saves your marriage, it’s worth talking about.
Where in your marriage do you know that if you did something different and quit procrastinating about this one thing, your marriage would take on a new life? I hope you are doing a heart search right now. Marriage usually doesn’t fall apart over night. There is a lot of procrastinating going on!
What I have learned about procrastination is this thing, this glaring thing you are procrastinating about in your marriage, is the very obstacle that if you choose to take it as a challenge to be truthful to yourself, to stop ignoring it and acknowledge it, it is the beginning of that thriving, passionate marriage that you desire.
Awareness and Acknowledgment
You know your obstacle. Awareness and acknowledgment are the 1st step. Now, take this to the Lord in prayer. Lay it at his feet. Ask for his wisdom. You have all your reasons; we are good at justifying. God knows our heart. Let go of your justification. We can all deceive ourselves.
Get out your personal journal. What has God put on your heart to do about it? Sometimes Satan has a stronghold, but if we allow God to change our hearts and stop being so prideful, and get in his word and ask for guidance, this obstacle is the very area that God can work. It is where I’ve seen and experienced his miracles. It is never too late for God. The longer you procrastinate, the longer you will experience what you are experiencing right now. It is scary; it’s going to take prayer and courage. But remember that he that is in us is bigger than he that is in the world (1 John 4:4). God wants to save your marriage. I believe that with all my heart. That’s why I am so passionate about this subject. He has worked miracles in my marriage when I was willing to quit procrastinating thinking things would just get better on their own. They don’t! You know if I’m talking to you right now.
My little story about captaining my tennis team may sound trivial, but it was tough. And I could have avoided so much had I not procrastinated. So where are you procrastinating in your marriage. What is that change you need to make? What are you putting off? Problems don’t go away; they usually get bigger. Ask anyone who has gotten a divorce. It may start out small, but it usually grows over time.
I am being very direct here. Sometimes we must stop lying to ourselves. What are you putting off dealing with, that if you continue down this road will have negative consequences for your marriage. Looking at this as an obstacle, that with God’s guidance and your loving action, will change the course of your marriage.
Monette hosts a weekly podcast: Mornings with Monette. She has been a lifelong learner and and appreciates the opportunity to share what she has learned–both through her podcast and here at The Best-Life Project (based on the content of her weekly podcast). Her messages are raw, honest and straight from the heart. She lives in Albuquerque, NM with her husband Leland. They have three adult children and are enjoying living their best lives filled with travel and adventure.