I’ve been thinking about how fear is destroying your marriage; keeping it from being all it could be. I got to thinking about the foundation a marriage is built on. When we first get married, we have all these beautiful expectations. We are in love, we can’t see their faults, and they can’t see ours. We, then, make this lifelong commitment. And so, marriages begin. Reality is we don’t truly know this person—even if you did the premarital counseling. If you did do premarital counseling and you answered all those questions you were most likely in a state of bliss. If you could find that workbook you filled out, you would probably laugh at your answers. Because you really had no idea what marriage was going to be.
I’m just setting the stage here. I’ve said this in so many of my previous installments on marriage. Marriage is bringing two selfish sinful people into a commitment to each other. Then, they spend their lives figuring it out. Some better than others. And a lot of people quit along the way. What most of us don’t acknowledge is God created marriage and has the answers to marriage but for the most part people, myself included, decided we can make our marriages work in our own strength. Does this sound like your situation. Maybe you participated in some marriage retreats, we did when we first got married—and that is where we had some of our worst arguments. I’m not saying those retreats were a bad thing. I probably learned some things, but over time we probably went back to figuring out how to be married by trial and error. Sound familiar?
I’ve been thinking lately about the main things that just about destroyed our marriage. And now, that I can see them so clearly they don’t have the same stronghold on my marriage!
The Power of Fear
One of the biggest things was not understanding how powerful fear is. I want you to really lean in here. I believe that when two people get married, deep in each one of them is fear. I believe they want to be married, that’s why they made the decision. But below the surface each one is bringing in their own set of fears. This is real. I want you to think about where you and your spouse have had your strongest conflicts. If you peel back all of it, fear is the culprit. Even figuring out the simplest tasks each person takes on, each person wants things to be fair—and fear is behind these decisions.
The fear is we don’t want to be taken advantage of. Nobody wants to be taken advantage of. Money issues, fear is behind them. Parenting issues fear is a huge factor, how you communicate or don’t communicate, some sort of fear is there. What your physical relationship will look like, the church you attend or don’t attend. I believe deep down we want to do it right. We have a fear of doing it wrong. We have deep-seated fears that we don’t want to let our spouse down, or at other times we fear we will lose our independence, or our voice. When we really dive deep into this thought of how powerful the emotion of fear is, we can see it at the root problem of our relationship. And the worst part is we don’t want to admit it. Not the husband or you the wife. Somehow, we feel if we admit we have fears, even to ourselves, we will lose the edge. We see it as a weakness, so we get stronger and stronger in holding on to the idea I am right and you are wrong. That somehow protecting ourselves and not recognizing we have these deep-seated fears, is the very thing keeping intimacy out of your marriage. This is one area that, if you recognize it in yourself, will cause the biggest breakthrough in your marriage.
Take a Hard Look
This is huge! Our biggest fear is we want to be loved and we want to do it right. And when the issues in marriage come up, we have all these behaviors we rely on to safeguard ourselves—with fear being at the center. What is this bringing up for you? I’ve been telling you, this isn’t about changing your husband. This is about taking that real, hard look at ourselves. For some of the most destructive things we are doing in our marriage, the cause is fear.
I’m going to share a quick story. Before I was married, I lived in Dallas, I had a successful career but deep down I wanted to be married and have a family. I was in a relationship that did not work out and had a baby out of wedlock. I loved my baby girl with all my heart. Being in my late 20’s, a single mom in a Christian community was beyond difficult. I experienced fear, who would marry someone with a baby, what if I never get married. How am I going to do this by myself? It was not only emotionally difficult it was physically difficult, doing it all by myself. Probably one of the most difficult seasons of my life. I share that because during that time was when I feel I was the closest to the Lord. I was in a place of total surrender. I was in the Bible daily, in prayer daily and knew I could not do this in my own strength. It is a time I cherish. I truly experienced the Peace that passes all understanding. Like it says in Philippians 4:7 (New International Version): “And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. ” God brought me through that time. It is probably where I learned to spend my time in the mornings reading his word and praying.
Trust and Surrender
I share that story not because I am perfect, but that Jesus is perfect. And when we surrender and trust, God can bring us through anything. I share that story, because the same fear I experienced through all of that, is the same fear you and I have at our core. How is my marriage going to turn out? If I don’t do it my way my spouse is going to (you fill in the blank). I have this on my heart to share with you, the only way to overcome this deep down fear is we have to trust and surrender.
Whatever place you are at in your marriage, there is fear boiling right under the surface. It is the root cause of why your marriage is not what you believe it can be. It is you in your self-protective mode, doing things in your own strength and not going to the one who created marriage and who has the answer to marriage. It’s the only way. The underlying cause of most of our problems was rooted in fear. That’s why I’m doing this series on marriage, the answer is not out there. The answer to experiencing the peace that passes all understanding, is in his word. It is in prayer. It is surrendering being married in your own strength; relying on all your defense mechanisms. It’s looking at your spouse with love, realizing the harsh words he may speak are out of fear.
The distance you feel in your marriage is due to not forgiving and to holding on to grudges. The world, or Satan, wants you to compare your marriage with other people’s marriages. Satan wants you to resign yourself to people pleasing—which is lying. When we surrender our marriage and we look to God and his word to overcome our deep underlying fears he is the answer. Not a new spouse. He is dealing with our hearts. This is a heart issue. Right where you are, getting completely honest with ourselves, we are living our marriages thinking if he were different… When the real answer is looking at our deepest fears, taking them to God and allowing him to show us how to love our husband, how to forgive, how to have this beautiful, passionate loving marriage that he wants for us. He gave us our soulmate; we must rely on him not ourselves.
I’m not saying I am perfect at this, but I am so much better than I used to be. When I recognize and see fear as the cause of most of the problems, I don’t get so defensive, so set on that “it’s is not me, it’s him.” Instead, I see fear as the culprit. This was one of my own personal breakthroughs. Because I’m just like you, I want a Loving, Thriving Passionate Marriage with my best friend!
Take some time to reflect on what I’ve shared. Get out that journal and think about you and your spouse. Is underlying fear the root? Pray about it! Write about it!
Monette hosts a weekly podcast: Mornings with Monette. She has been a lifelong learner and and appreciates the opportunity to share what she has learned–both through her podcast and here at The Best-Life Project (based on the content of her weekly podcast). Her messages are raw, honest and straight from the heart. She lives in Albuquerque, NM with her husband Leland. They have three adult children and are enjoying living their best lives filled with travel and adventure.