Does this story sound like something you’ve experienced? “I’ve always wanted to be a mom, but I couldn’t have children. Five years ago, I married a man who has adult kids. The relationship between my husband and his kids hasn’t always been close but he is trying. His oldest son is about to become a dad. I was so excited to be called grandma.”
“However, his son recently made it clear that I’m not to be identified as a grandma to his child. He said, ‘The child already has two grandmas we don’t want more’. I’m devastated by his son’s nonchalant, callous response”.
This stepmom’s pain is real. And soul deep.
She thought becoming a stepmom would give her a chance at having a traditional family, complete with kids and grandkids. Her stepson has demolished her dream.
Unfortunately, not all stepfamilies become attached to each other. This stepmom provides a peek into a few possible reasons why this is happening.
- Relationship with biological parent In this situation, dad and son do not have a healthy parent/child connection. If a child doesn’t have a strong attachment to his/her biological parent, it’s less likely they will attempt a relationship with a stepparent. They don’t have a reason to make the effort.
- Anger If this dad’s choices were the reason the family dissolved the child may want to punish the parent. Plus, if dad has not worked at keeping the relationship alive, the child could hold ill will. Moms are typically better at staying emotionally close to their kids than dads. Dad may not have realized the growing detachment with his child, or he may have thought it was normal.
- Alienation Sometimes a mom/dad retaliates against a former spouse by attempting to isolate or alienate the child from the other parent. He/she portrays the other parent as the villain and the reason why the family was destroyed. This is particularly true if he/she is the real reason for the divorce by abusive behavior, committing adultery, or having an addiction. In other words, the kids believe a lie. The consequences are often devastating for everyone.
- Resentment We think kids get over divorce quickly. They don’t. And the anger or resentment they have bult up over time can explode. Generally, the stepparent is an easy target for the rage because he/she isn’t related to the children.
- Logistics In our transient world it is not uncommon for a parent to move away from their children after a divorce. Most of the time it’s a huge mistake. The parent has deceived themselves into believing they can keep the same closeness with a child via a computer.
- Provision Parents have the responsibility to remain close, active, attentive, and present in the life of their child. Raising a child means you are providing for all their needs, emotionally, physically, spiritually, and financially. God explains it this way “Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” 1 Tim 5:8 NIV. If the parent chooses to discard their God ordained responsibilities by moving away from the child, it’s often the case that the child will view it as abandonment.
Here are suggestions on how a woman in this place can move forward.
- Lower the expectations This stepson has the right to choose whether he wants a stepparent in his child’s life. Assuming he would embrace her as a grandmother was a nice dream, but also a mistake. Not all stepfamilies function the same as a biological family.
- Forgive To move forward this stepmom will need to forgive her stepson for discounting her as a person, much less his father’s wife. His exclusion, indifference, and unsympathetic behavior have inflicted a deep stab to her heart and mind. Only Jesus has the power to help her forgive such cruel behavior.
- Love your spouse I once had a stepmom say to me “If I can’t get to be the grandma, then my husband doesn’t get to be grandpa.” She was forbidding her husband from having a relationship with his grandchild. It requires the Holy Spirit to give this stepmom the unselfish mind of Christ to say to the spouse, “I want you to have a wonderful relationship with your grandchild. Go. Enjoy.” Will it be easy? No. Will she cry? Most likely. Is it worth it? Definitely. Especially if the family doesn’t follow Jesus, this holy, godly response may communicate more about the love of Christ than anything else could.
- Consider the future Stepmom and her husband will need to set boundaries with his son. Do they expect grandpa or stepmom to babysit? What is the child to call her? Is she allowed (if she desires) to participate in school functions or attend events such as a baptism? Many decisions need to be made on how to protect the stepmom without burning the bridge with his son
Over time, the situation may change. If this stepmom leans on Jesus and lets him transform her mind, she can respond to the rejection as He did. She isn’t to become a patsy, or a pushover. That’s not Jesus. Standing tall on holy ground, and hidden in Christ, brings the victory.
For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. Col 3:3 NIV
Laura Petherbridge is an international author and a professional speaker on subjects related to: singles, divorce recovery, divorce prevention, stepfamilies, relationships and spiritual growth. She has written four books addressing marriage/divorce and stepfamily life. Free articles, newsletters, resources and additional information may be found on her website www.LauraPetherbridge.com or www.TheSmartStepmom.com