January 3, 2025 marks the one-year anniversary of the day I found Jim’s lifeless body at the top of the back stairs. It’s not really the kind of anniversary you want to acknowledge, yet there it is on the calendar, the “3” pulsing with emotion and memories.
For many months after Jim’s death, I relived that day, trying to decide if I missed something significant that might have given me a clue to what was about to happen. No matter how many times I replay the events of that day, no warning stands out.
A Year of Firsts
I wouldn’t be truthful if I said last year was easy, because it wasn’t. Every “first” was a hurdle, each solo experience bittersweet. For months, I felt as if a dense fog covered me as I waded through shock and struggled to move forward. Small tasks felt huge. I kept thinking of things I wanted to tell Jim. Not having the chance to say goodbye left closure open-ended.
I’m glad this year of firsts is drawing to a close, but stepping further into the unknown, the next year on the calendar feels equally hard. Will people expect me to be “over” grief? Should I be able to regain a new level of forward motion? Those questions are yet to be answered.
Unbridled, Unpredictable Emotions
Entwined in the grieving process are myriad emotions. For months, I found it impossible to cry. I wondered if something was wrong with me, this stoic lack of emotion. Eventually, something tiny triggered tears interlaced with primal groaning. Never before had I experienced such deep emotion. It was a little frightening, those sounds I’d never heard coming from within. Although that level of emotion has eased, grief lingers just under the surface, waiting to spring forth with a memory, a picture, or longing for Jim’s physical presence.
Spiritual Growth
It is in life’s most difficult seasons that we experience the greatest spiritual growth. In this year of firsts, I’ve come to know God in a deeper way, to experience His faithfulness and presence as never before. Spiritual growth following an unexpected life event cements our relationship with the Father more securely. We learn to trust more fully.
If you are walking a hard life path, don’t push spiritual growth away. None of us welcome difficulty, but the rugged journey prepares us for what comes next.
God is Our Peace
God is the giver of peace, but also, He is our peace. God’s mercies are fresh and new with each sunrise. He doesn’t abandon us in times of grief, fear, frustration, and loneliness. He loves us unconditionally and stands ready to envelop us in arms of comfort and grace. Peace in times of trial is a great gift; one we can claim and cling to.
Forward Motion
For some reason, 2025 feels a little scarier than 2024. Having gotten through this hard last year, that flicker of fear regarding the new year doesn’t make sense. I’ve done the hardest year, haven’t I? So why the hesitation?
Forward motion hinges on trust, not faith in our own abilities, but trust in God’s faithfulness. I can move into 2025 with confident courage because I have a history with God. He has never let me down. God doesn’t disappear when hardship is heavy and uncertainty niggles at the back of our minds.
Forward motion doesn’t guarantee a smooth path ahead, but God’s faithfulness promises just enough light for the next step and help for any hurdles we encounter. So, move beyond the shackles of doubt and look ahead to all the blessings awaiting you in 2025.
“Let your eyes look straight ahead and your sight be focused in front of you. Carefully walk a straight path, and all your ways will be secure” (Proverbs 4:25-26 GW).
©CandyArrington
Candy Arrington is an award-winning writer, blogger, and speaker. She often writes on tough topics with a focus on moving through, and beyond, difficult life circumstances. Candy has written hundreds of articles, stories, and devotions published by numerous outlets including: Inspiration.org, Arisedaily.com, CBN.com, Healthgrades.com, Care.com, Focus on the Family, NextAvenue.org, CountryLiving.com, and Writer’s Digest. Candy’s books include Life on Pause: Learning to Wait Well (Bold Vision Books), When Your Aging Parent Needs Care (Harvest House), and AFTERSHOCK: Help, Hope, and Healing in the Wake of Suicide (B&H Publishing Group).
Dear Candy,
I vividly remember your post from a year ago after your husband’s sudden passing. My heart ached and aches for you now. Thus far in my life, my immediate family (parents, siblings (& their families, husband, and our child) are still walking the planet. But each day that I wake up, I think about eternity and if this would be the day someone would be called home. I am a very sanguine personality but those thoughts are always there and I believe it so because I want people to be with Jesus!!!
With that said, I want you to know that I think YOU ARE SO BRAVE! Your post from one year ago was powerful and is still with me. I also want to share some helpful info that was given to me many years ago when I was singing for our troops in Korea. Our team was having dinner with an Army Chaplain who specialized in grief counseling. He told us that it takes two years to walk through the grief cycle (experiencing the five stages of grief FIVE times). He said to allow those stages to come and don’t try to stop them. He also told us that when we know someone who has a loved one who dies, to be sure to check on them and help them at the 90 day mark because that is when reality really sets in. The last thing I remember is that if we cannot begin to move on after two years, to seek Counseling (and not negating how grief groups can help along the way if available). You may already know these things. It helps me again to write them down. THANK YOU for being real with us! “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and he saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18
Respectfully,
Debbie
Debbie,
Thank you for taking time to write this response. I appreciate your suggestions, especially the part about expect 2 years to get through all the stages of grief. The one year mark was a milestone for me, but interestingly, since then, everything seems harder.
If I am brave, it is only because God is my anchor. Without Him, I would be adrift.
Blessings, Candy