I am a member of a private club. It’s made up of several friends and some relatives. We all understand how we can experience relief as well as grief when an elderly parent passes away after years of declining health. I became a member when my mother, Goldie, died at the age of 96.
The members of our club don’t talk about it publicly. I am sure we would be judged. But on the one-year anniversary of Mom’s passing, I decided to share my conflicted feelings.
The Call
One night, I received a call from someone on staff at the nursing home where Mom lived for 10 years. I answered in the normal way. Having recognized the familiar number, I wondered if they were calling to inform me Mom had fallen. Or were they updating me that the dosage of her medication had changed once again? Perhaps she was running a fever, or maybe the phone in her room was not working. But it was THE CALL. You know, the one where the sympathetic caller says something like, “I’m so sorry to share that Goldie died peacefully early this evening.”
You never really know how you will react, especially after years and years of trying to prepare yourself. My first reaction privately, Thank you God! Immediately, tears streamed down my face. Then I thought, Wait a minute! My mother was no longer suffering and confined to a bed, needing help for every basic need. I knew she was in heaven, so why the tears?
Maybe it was because I no longer had any living parents. Whatever my reason, my brother had the same reaction. Relief that Mom’s long journey of suffering ended along with grief that she was gone.
Private Club
After being vulnerable with several people about the relief that came with her death, I realize there are lots of us in this private club. One friend said, “Georgia, you need to write about grief and relief.”
“I’m just not ready to do that yet,” was my only response.
Then early one quiet Sunday morning, I knew it was time to write about this topic for the one-year anniversary of her passing.
If you, too, have mixed feelings of relief as well as grief over an elderly parent’s passing, accept those all-too-normal kinds of emotions. Your conflicted reaction may not be all that unusual.
Georgia Shaffer is a Professional Certified Coach and licensed Psychologist in Pennsylvania. She has written 5 books including Taking Out Your Emotional Trash and A Gift of Mourning Glories: Restoring Your Life After Loss. Georgia loves to equip women through online coaching groups such as ReBUILD After Divorce, Taking Out Your Emotional Trash and Healthy Healing Relationships.
Georgia enjoys working in her backyard garden (Mourning Glory Gardens) near York, Pennsylvania. To wander through her garden, where the seeds of hope first took root for her and continue to be a key part of living her best life, visit www.GeorgiaShaffer.com/garden