Exploring the Heart of marriage with Wisdom and Vision

We each have thousands of questions that run through our brain daily. Everything from small incidental questions to deep introspective thoughts and questions. Most people don’t think about how powerful these questions are. We write them off. But I hope you will spend some time with me on this topic. Let’s look at it from a Christian perspective.  

If we have all these random questions that go through our brain daily—which we do, how does this relate to wanting a thriving, passionate marriage and believing that this is what God wants for us? The Bible tells us that we are to take our thoughts, and I want to include questions, captive. Why would God direct us in this if it were not important. Because we have a sin nature. Paul talks about it in that the flesh wants to do one thing and the spirit another. This is a constant battle. 2 Corinthians 10:5 literally tells us to “take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” Also, Philippians 4:8: “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

These verses emphasize the importance of aligning our thoughts with Christ and focusing on what is true, noble, and in accordance with God’s principles.

I share these ideas because with the guidance of the Holy Spirit, we must work on this all the time. For me, when it comes to the area of my marriage, my natural questions do not put my husband in the best light. My initial assumptions often bring up this question: “Why is he doing this to me?” In your life, it may be: “Why does he always ___(you fill in the blank)__?

Why Does He Do That?

Here’s a real example from my life. I just cleared out the dishwasher and he comes in and leaves a bowl and glass on the counter. My go to question is: “Why does he do that? I am not his mother.” Sounds silly right, but we do it all the time. We have these default questions and the answers to these un-useful questions, bring distance in our relationships. Yet, we wonder why we are irritated with our husband. These kind of questions and answers stack themselves up all the time. Literally, while I was writing out this post, the example I just gave you really happened. I cleared out the dishwasher this morning and I just when I went in to put my plate in the dishwasher, there was his plate on the cabinet. The crazy thing about this story that just happened as I saw the plate on the cabinet, I had to remind myself that he had just offered to fry a couple of eggs for me. I said yes. He made my breakfast. Yet, I naturally have that kind of question in my brain. God has a sense of humor don’t you think. Marriage is the reflection of our hearts. And my heart can be deceitful. That’s why I stress this all the time. If you are getting your answers from the world, they will tell you to trust yourself. If you feel it, it must be true. What a lie! I’m learning that trusting in myself, trusting my assumptions are not the answer. The Bible tells us to not lean on our own understanding for a reason. It is faulty! My mini-example is proof. My husband does something really nice for me makes breakfast and my default question was that same old ugly question.

Really study God’s truths and allowing the Holy Spirit to guide our actions is the answer to that thriving, passionate marriage. The answer is simple. Applying it is the difficult part. Your relationship with your maker is the answer. This is not religion this is about relationship. Who you spend time with matters. I’ve done it all the ways. Believe me, it is a daily battle with myself. The flesh and the spirit. We will have these thoughts and questions. But what I’m learning is: the better the question, the better the answer.

Simple Question

I want to give you two versions of a simple questions that can stop this cycle. If there is anything you get from this post, remember this!

First, ask yourself: “What else could this mean?” Then shift it slightly and ask: “God, please show me, what else this could mean?” Then, take a pause and let the answers come.

I’ve also put some more general empowering questions together that will help us create  daily plan for our thriving, passionate marriage. I encourage you to pray on this! Pick one that resonates with you and start with that. Once you have the idea, you can create your own set of questions.

• How can I strengthen my relationship with God and live out my faith in my marriage?
• Am I practicing love, patience, and forgiveness in my day-to-day interactions with my spouse?
• Are my actions aligned with biblical principles and values?
• How can I come from a place of love & support and encourage my spouse in every area of his life? (Or pick the area you know he is struggling with!)
• How can I come from a place of love in my communication and understanding in my marriage?

Intentionally reflecting on these questions can contribute to personal and spiritual growth within our marriages. When we are left to what comes naturally, you and I both know our words and assumptions cannot always be trusted. We can wound and not build up our spouse—which results in less connection in our marriage. I feel marriage is God’s great plan to make us more dependent on him. As Christ changes us, our marriage changes. It’s the transforming of our minds.

Take the time to study yourself. Become aware of your assumptions and self-defeating questions that swirl around in your mind daily. Your relationship with the Lord is the secret to God giving you that thriving, passionate marriage. I, too, am a work in progress. Here is that promise I hold onto.

“being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

Philippians 1:6 (NIV)

For me, this gives the assurance that God, who initiated a positive transformation in me, will continue to work in my life and in my marriage until the ultimate fulfillment in the day of Christ Jesus.

I encourage you to challenge your assumptions when it comes to your spouse. The questions you ask yourself matter! Ask better questions and you will receive better answers. Journal about this! See what God shows you.

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Monette hosts a weekly podcast: Mornings with Monette. She has been a lifelong learner and and appreciates the opportunity to share what she has learned–both through her podcast and here at The Best-Life Project (based on the content of her weekly podcast). Her messages are raw, honest and straight from the heart. She lives in Albuquerque, NM with her husband Leland. They have three adult children and are enjoying living their best lives filled with travel and adventure.