Today, for my Valentine’s week post, I am focusing on our love relationships and our capability to evaluate our mindset and shift from a me, self-centered mindset to an other-focused mindset. We will challenge our assumptions with good questions! Of all the relationships we find ourselves in, our lifelong relationship of marriage, the one we desire our deepest connection, is also the relationship that gives us the biggest challenge. If you’re not married, and want to be married, this topic can give you some valuable insights. It is also important for the person who may be struggling with intimate relationships in general.
Through these posts, God continues to show me that he has been the answer all along. I spent many years holding a deep, but misguided, belief about my role in our marriage. I tried to solve the issues in my marriage from a worldly place, coming from the assumption that God gave me my spouse for me to make my husband into who I felt God wanted him to be! What I learned is that God actually gave me my spouse so he could show me who he wanted me to be, and God actually used my marriage to change me. The person I was responsible for and accountable for was myself!
All these lies I had bought were Satan’s lies. I’ve been thinking lately about where God has changed me the most, the biggest change is in the way I approach my marriage. God has been teaching me to challenge my assumptions! He is the one who has changed my mindset from a self-centered mindset to an other-focused mindset. He has shown me that my job is to love my husband. That’s it. Love him the way Christ loves me. To continue to get to know him and to cherish the time we have together.
Whatever the condition of your marriage, even if you’re not married yet, I believe I can save you countless hours and arguments that sabotage the very thing your heart desires most—and that is connection.
I’ve been married 30 plus years now, and if there is one area for myself that I am most thankful for that God did not give up on me, is that the marriage I always dreamed of took me letting go. Letting go of control. He gave me the mindset shift from a self-centered mindset to an other-centered mindset. God had that plan all along, I just couldn’t see it!
It sounds so simple shifting from a me-mindset, a self-centered mindset, to an other-centered mindset—yet this shift can be the hardest to recognize. We are born with a sin-nature. We think about ourselves 24/7. What’s in it for me? As much as we all want to believe: “no that’s not true about me.” It is true!
I know, this is probably not the topic you were expecting for my Valentine’s post, right? But hang in here with me. This can be a game-changer for your most intimate relationships. Our problem isn’t head knowledge or a good game plan. Our problem is a heart problem. We deceive ourselves. Our motives are not pure.
So, what can we do? I believe the answer is in prayer and reading the Bible. I’ll get more into that as we go through this topic.
First, I want to talk about our brain and how it works. We have thousands of questions that run through our brain daily. Everything from small incidental questions to deep introspective thoughts and questions. Most people don’t think about how powerful these questions are and what they reveal about us. We write them off. But I want to do a deep dive on this topic. I want to look at it from a Christian perspective. If we have all these random questions that go through our brain daily how does this relate to wanting a thriving, passionate marriage, or deep intimate, healthy relationships.
We think about ourselves 24/7. Here’s one Bible verse that talks about dying of self: Luke 9:23 “And he said to them all, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me”
Did you hear those key words: “deny himself.” Why does it say that? Because that is our flesh. We are self-centered and selfish. It is our natural state. The Bible tells us over and over that we are to take our thoughts, and I want to include questions, captive. Why would God direct to do this if it were not important. It is important. Why? Because we have a sin nature. Paul talks about it throughout the Bible in that the flesh wants to do one thing and the spirit another. This is a constant battle. It is the life of the believer. The later part of 2 Corinthians 10:5 literally tells us to “take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” This verse emphasizes the importance of aligning our thoughts with Christ. What does that mean?
The answer to our sin problem, our self-centered problem, is accepting Christ as our Lord and Savior. He is our greatest example of selfless love. As we spend time with him in prayer and studying his word, he transforms us through the power of the Holy Spirit. He transforms our self-centered mindset to an other-focused mindset.
Remember when I said I thought my role was to change my husband to be the man I believed God wanted him to be. Where did that come from? No, I didn’t get up each morning with that thought, but I asked God to search my heart and show me. I want a thriving passionate marriage and he showed me, my me-centered attitude. That was the wake-up call.
I realized I was asking myself questions like: “Why is he doing this to me?” Or the other question: “Why does he always….?” (I know he knows that bothers me). To illustrate this, I recently cleared out the dishwasher, and he left a bowl and glass on the counter. My go-to question is: “Why does he do that? I am not his mother.” Sounds silly right? But we do it all the time. We have these default questions and the answers to these un-useful questions that bring distance in our relationships and we wonder why we are irritated with our spouse.
If you look at my underlying motive, this is about me. I’m the judge and the jury. He has no idea what is going on in my head. I’m over here irritated about a cup and bowl left on the counter. I’m telling you, my marriage is the reflection of my heart. And my heart can be deceitful. That’s why I stress this all the time. If you are getting your answers from the world, they will tell you to trust yourself. If you feel it, it must be true. What a lie! I’m learning that trusting in myself, trusting my assumptions are not the answer. The Bible tells us to not lean on our own understanding for a reason. It is faulty!
My little example is proof. My husband does nice things for me all the time. Just yesterday I walked out to my car and backed it out of the driveway to go play tennis and I had a tire that was completely flat, I pulled back in the driveway, come back into the house and let my husband know I have a flat tire. He drove me to the tennis courts, and I got a ride home with a friend. When she dropped me off, there is my husband fixing the flat.
I am telling you our hearts are deceitful. My default questions, you know, the same old ugly questions, our thoughts and questions can be our own worst enemies. You want to change your mindset from a self-centered mindset to an other-focused mindset, it’s about our hearts. I can’t stress this enough. The world’s answers are not to be trusted. If you study God’s truths and allow the Holy Spirit to guide your actions, it is the answer to that thriving passionate marriage. We must be truthful with ourselves. Your relationship with your maker is the answer. This is not religion, this is about relationship. It is a daily battle with myself: the flesh and the spirit. So, the thing is, we will have these thoughts and questions. But what I’m learning is the better the question, the better the answer.
I want to give you two simple questions that can stop this cycle, Are you ready? If there is anything you get from this topic, remember these two questions.
WHAT ELSE COULD THIS MEAN (coming from a place of love, not a place of self protection)? And, GOD PLEASE SHOW ME …WHAT ELSE COULD THIS MEAN? And take a pause and let the answers come.
I’ve put together a list of more general empowering questions that will help us create a daily plan to have thriving passionate marriage or those close intimate relationships. I encourage you to pray on this! Create your own set of questions. Pick one that resonates with you and start with that.
1. How can I strengthen my relationship with God and live out my faith in my marriage my close intimate relationships?
2. Am I practicing love, patience, and forgiveness in my day-to-day interactions with my spouse?
3. Are my actions aligned with biblical principles and values?
4. How can I come from a place of love & support and encourage my spouse in every area of his life? (Or pick the area you know he is struggling with.)
5. How can I come from a place of love in my communication and understanding in my marriage?
6. Where can I pray for my husband?
Can you see how reflecting on these questions intentionally can contribute to personal and spiritual growth within our marriages or close intimate relationships? When we are left to what comes naturally you and I both know our words and assumptions cannot always be trusted; we can wound and not build up our spouse and cause less connection in our marriage. I feel marriage is God’s great plan to make us more dependent on him. As Christ changes us, our marriage changes. It’s the transforming of our minds.
Take the time to study yourself. Become aware of your assumptions and self-defeating questions that swirl around in your mind daily. Your relationship with the Lord is the secret to God giving you that thriving passionate marriage. I, too, am a work in progress. Here is that promise I hold onto: Philippians 1:6 (NIV).
“Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
For me this gives me the assurance that God, who initiated a positive transformation in me, will continue to work in my life and in my marriage until the ultimate fulfillment in the day of Christ Jesus.
This Valentine’s Day installment is a heartfelt exploration of the transformative shift from a self-centered mindset to an other-centered mindset, especially within marriage and close relationships. Reflecting on my personal journey, I’ve shared how I once believed my role in marriage was to change my spouse, only to realize that God used my marriage to change my own heart. By challenging my self-focused assumptions and embracing love as Christ loves, I’ve highlighted the power of asking intentional, loving questions like “What else could this mean?” instead of defaulting to judgment or irritation. Through prayer, studying God’s Word, and the guidance of the Holy Spirit, I’ve encouraged you to cultivate deeper connections by focusing on our own growth and creating a Christ-centered focus in our relationships. This mindset shift, though challenging, will give you the desires you so desperately want.
NOTE: I did a 25-part series on Marriage from a Christian perspective. If you liked this and it resonated with you, I highly recommend you go back and review that series. It starts with “Marriage unveiled: A Journey to Thriving Relationships.”
Monette hosts a weekly podcast: Mornings with Monette. She has been a lifelong learner and and appreciates the opportunity to share what she has learned–both through her podcast and here at The Best-Life Project (based on the content of her weekly podcast). Her messages are raw, honest and straight from the heart. She lives in Albuquerque, NM with her husband Leland. They have three adult children and are enjoying living their best lives filled with travel and adventure.