I once heard Dr. Schuller, of California’s Crystal Cathedral say, “the hardest part of living to a ripe old age is burying your friends.” While I am not yet, a “ripe old age,” I have already buried my share of family and friends.
What to Say and How to Help
In general, we struggle with what to say and how to help someone who is experiencing the death of a loved one. While there are no pat answers or eloquent words of wisdom that can ever change the circumstances or remove the hurt from our friend’s life. There are things we need to understand that will guide us toward being the effective comforters we want to be.
Basic DO’S & DON’TS
DO respond in a timely manner with a card, a call, or a visit. One of the hardest parts of reaching out is the first contact. Once you’ve made the initial contact, you’ll find follow-up calls are much easier.
DON’T try to minimize their pain with comments like; “It’s probably for the best.“ “Things could be worse.“ “You’re strong. You’ll get over it soon.” Comments like these might be an attempt to offer hope; but to a hurting person they sound as though you don’t comprehend the enormity of what happened or how they feel.
DO allow them all the time they need to deal effectively with the phases of their loss. DON’T put timetables on their path. Your inference that they are not coping well hinders their progress. There are no timelines for recovery, healing, or restoration following a loss don’t compare their experience with someone else in a similar situation. Each person handles his or her difficult times differently.
DO use your gifts and talents to help consider what you enjoy doing and what you’re good at. DON’T put yourself under pressure to perform tasks that you really don’t want to do. Use your skills and talents and function within your gifts to reach out to others. If you are not a good cook don’t feel you must bring a meal. Think of ways you can help that are unique to you.
DO continue to keep in touch, offering support, letting them know you’re praying for them. Send thoughtful notes with encouraging words. DON’T ignore their needs after the immediate crisis has subsided. Stay in touch. After a crisis, our lives go back to normal but the lives of our hurting friends will never be the same.
DO remember especially hard times. DON’T forget anniversaries, birthdays, death dates, and holidays. Your friends live with their loss on a daily basis. There is nothing normal about their lives. Show your continued support by remembering difficult days. Send a card, make a call, or invite them to spend time with you.
DON’T say, “Is there anything I can do to help?“ “If there is anything you need, give me a call. DO be specific with what you want to do to help. Your presence is far more important than your words. Be aggressive with your willingness to help. Ask yourself, “What would I need if I were in a similar situation?” Offer specific things you can do for them like:
- I’m on the way to the store, what can I pick up for you?
- Do you need some milk?
- Might tomorrow be a good day I could help with the laundry?
- Would the children like to come over and play this afternoon?
DON’T leave the ball in their court. Most of the time people experiencing a loss can’t decide or don’t know what they do need and would never dream of asking because they do not want to impose.
DON’T say, “I know just how you feel.” or “A friend of mine…” DO listen to their hearts. Listening is a powerful tool—don’t underestimate its value. Listen with attentiveness. Allow the conversation to flow wherever it needs to go. DON’T be afraid of silence. Your presence is the important part. Ask how they are feeling: “What are you struggling with right now?” There is no way to know just how they feel. Even if you have faced a similar experience, share only how you felt; don’t presume to know how they feel. You’re hurting friends do not want to hear about someone else’s similar experience.
DON’T say, “I’m sorry.” And end the sentence. You’re hurting friend is sorry too. DO say, “I am so sorry,” then add “this must be so difficult.” “I know how special he was to you.” “I share your loss.” “I want to help.” “Was this sudden?” You need to offer something for your hurting friend to respond to. Saying “I’m sorry” is one of the most important things we can say, it just doesn’t provide a lead in for a response. Think ahead. What could you say or ask that will allow your hurting friend to respond to your comment.
There really isn’t a manual or timetable for how to handle loss. Let your friend know that you have no expectation of how much time it should take or how they should behave. Assure them that whatever it takes, you will be there with them.
©Lauren Littauer Briggs
Through her speaking and writing, Lauren encourages people with her heartfelt messages and practical presentations. She is the author of The Art of Helping – What to say and Do When Someone is Hurting. Lauren and her family are active in both church and community choral groups. She lives in Redlands, CA.
This is SOOO helpful! Just within the last month, two of my friends had spouses die. My heart breaks for them and I really want to be able to respond appropriately. Your advice frees me to not have to be perfect.’
Good information. When I lost my dear husband many years ago, I had to give people plenty of grace. I knew they were really trying to make me feel better. Another phrase I heard a lot, was “He’s in a better place.” That was true, but it didn’t comfort me. I wanted him with me! Every moment of every day for that first year was a first. My heart is tender towards those who have lost loved ones!
One other thought. Let your friend talk about the person who has died. It is so important, for those left behind, to share their experiences and memories. It is cathartic to talk about the loss, as well as the good memories.
I also unfortunately, have experienced the loss of a spouse and what you have written is spot one.
Yes, DO be present. Words aren’t always necessary. It’s possible that all your friend needs is to sit quietly next to someone that she knows loves her and cares for her. No words, just your presence. We are often uncomfortable with silence. But those can actually be the most precious times and demonstrations of loving care no matter how long you sit together in quietness.
Please post this helpful counsel often. It brings comfort to both the griever and the giver. Thank you.
I’m so appreciative for this thorough list to refer to. Thank you for a great reminder, I hope it will be posted often
I hate seeing my friends grieve. It hurts sooo much. What do i say, how do i let them know how much i care for them?
Our pastor this week, speaking of the loss of a member in our church said, “Bombard this family with your prayers and service. The last thing they need is to answer the same questions from a 100 different people.”
Thanks for posting reminders of how to show our support during their time of grief. And, that the grief for them does not end a week or two after the funeral.
Thank you for sharing this. I have a very difficult time with death due to my personal circumstances growing up. It’s hard for me to express the ever so humble words or actions when the inside of me is screaming my care and love for them.
When your mother passed – I too felt so heartbroken but it was at a difficult confusing time of Covid. No one could deal with anyone’s passing in a normal way. Marita and I’m sure you also handled it with so much strength and grace that I was in awe. I wrote Marita a long message about my feelings for your amazing mother and I was here for her. We’d met in a funny way bc of your mother and the extra special gift of your uncle Ron who I’d listened to for years on TV and radio growing up.
We can only hope to leave a small legacy behind but your family seems to knock it out of the ballpark.
I loved my little times w your mother and I know you miss them much more. God really did bless you and your family with beautiful talents.
Thank you for sharing this bc it’s good to know what to do better now.
Very well written and informative.