Healing From Sexual Trauma as We Age

Caution…Sensitive Subject Material

Sex! That three-letter prickly little word can generate a lot of interesting thoughts and uncomfortable emotions.  Many of us women avoid this topic—often placing a mental cautionary sign up when the word “sex” appears.

Discomfort with the sex topic does not disappear just because we are getting older and more mature. Just sit with a group of ladies who are advancing in years and strike up a conversation about sex. The response you will get (including not being invited back) will surprise you. You will likely get this response: Crickets, avoidance of eye-contact, and a drastic change of subject matter—and probably in that order.  

Why We Don’t Talk

Why are we uncomfortable with, and avoidant of, the topic of sex? The main reasons include cultural norms, spoken and unspoken family rules, religious beliefs, and/or sexual trauma.    

These all influence our level of comfort with the topic of sex. And most of us can relate with the “improperness” of talking about sex because, from the time we were little girls, we understood this to be a “taboo topic.” Sexual trauma, however, not only causes horrible emotional discomfort for us, it can also have grave effects on our lives—including our sexual relationships.

Unfortunately, a lot of us women experience the avoidance of sex because of the emotional pain that it brings—pain caused by sexual trauma. According to the research data on sexual assault, over half of all women will experience sexual trauma during their lifetimes. And one in four women will experience completed or attempted rape. But it’s not enough to know these statistics. We also need to understand how sexual trauma affects our day-to-day functioning.

Women—and females of all ages—are devastated by sexual assault every day. As a psychotherapist, much of my work includes clients who have experienced traumatic events in their lives. And, unfortunately, the traumas are most often a result of sexual assault. (This is not to say that males do not experience sexual trauma, they certainly do—just not at the same frequency as females).

The Case of Brianna

Brianna (not her real name) came to me for therapy at a small community mental health clinic. She had been in and out of therapy for most of her adult life, and she had worked with a lot of psychotherapists over the years.

With a rough and hardened attitude, Brianna sat in the clinic waiting room. I liked her the moment I met her. She had the gifting of a stand-up comedian. Often when in session with Brianna, I had to resist doubling over with laughter. What a natural and beautiful talent! But she couldn’t see it.

Brianna’s sexual abuse began at age four. Her mother worked as a prostitute to support a drug addiction. As a result, Brianna was left vulnerable to sexual abuse by the males who frequented her mother. So, no surprise that Brianna entered the world of prostitution. And no surprise she, too, developed an addiction to drugs.

During the approximately two years I worked with Brianna, we made great progress. She enrolled herself in a college class and maintained her sobriety from drugs. With Brianna’s long history of sexual trauma, however, her road to healing would require continued work and continued commitment to a lengthy recovery process. I remain quite hopeful for this beautiful soul.

First Truth: Healing is Always Possible

Healing from sexual trauma is always possible, no matter what our sexual abuse history involves. And with God’s help—and a trained psychotherapist—we can live lives free from the pain and shame of sexual abuse.

The key here is to have a trained professional who has experience working with sexual trauma. Can God heal our deep wounds without the help of a psychotherapist? Yes, He can. (You will encounter such a story at the end of this article). But it’s been my experience that God uses surgeons to remove gallbladders toward healing the physical body.  Similarly, He uses psychotherapists to help heal emotional pain and trauma.

Problems arise when people don’t reach out for help (for a variety of reasons). They can end up suffering for a lifetime (unnecessarily). And this is especially true for women who have lived through the horror of sexual assault in childhood or as adults.

Depending on the severity of the sexual trauma, the length of psychotherapy treatment can vary. Not every person with a history of sexual trauma will need therapy for months or even years. But women who have suffered more extensive abuse will need additional time to work through the sexual trauma they experienced. This can be determined by a professional psychotherapist.

Some of the women I have worked with faced extensive sexual abuse in childhood—just like Brianna. And some of these women I have worked with went on to develop posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and dissociative identity disorder (DID).  

With every cell in my body, I believe the suffering person, whom God loves so much, deserves help with their emotional pain.

There is always the hope of healing.  We must not let go of hope. Jesus said, “Anything is possible if a person believes.” (Mark 9:23) I have experienced and witnessed God’s healing power in my life and the lives of others.

The first step toward emotional healing from sexual trauma is acknowledging what is true and what is untrue. Our healing journey must always begin with unveiling the lies of sexual abuse. And shame is the most destructive lie of all.

Second Truth: Shame Is a Relentless Liar

Many women with whom I have worked (like Brianna) have told me they feel like “damaged goods.” They believe they can never live life without the “stain” of sexual abuse. They feel unworthy of true happiness and undeserving of loving relationships. These lies always break my heart when I hear them.

When I work with clients who have a history of sexual trauma, my most important goal is to help dispel the lies shame tells them—and help them find freedom from the shame.

We often don’t realize that shame is at the core of the agonizing, and often unbearable, emotional pain we live with every day. Shame has a powerful effect on our worth, identity, value, relationships, and our comfortableness with sex. Shame is what keeps us from enjoying the sexual intimacy God intended for us to have with our husbands. This is because shame is a relentless liar.

Third Truth: It’s Not Your Fault

How exactly does shame lie to us? As children, we intuitively believe certain events are our fault. Our parents’ divorce—our fault. The family’s financial problems—our fault. And sexual abuse—our fault. This is just what we do as children. So, after the abuse happens, shame moves in and takes over. And shame grows, lies to us, and creates dysfunctions in other areas of our lives—including sexual dysfunction.

Because of shame, we feel ashamed of our bodies. We feel ashamed when we are being touched by the love of our lives. And we feel ashamed of any sexual intimacy and sexual pleasure. And yes, this can last a lifetime. But we must reorient our thinking to accept the truth that shame is not our fault.

Fourth Truth: There is Always Hope

My dear sisters and friends, we must always hold onto hope. And we must never let go of the hope of healing—even healing from our sexual traumas. We can experience freedom from shame’s grip. We can experience freedom from the lies we have lived with for many years.

When I think about holding on to hope for healing, I think about a woman described in Mark 5:25-34. I’d like to close with this account because it’s such a beautiful story of hope.

In this passage we are told about a woman who had suffered for 12 years with a bleeding condition. She had spent all her money on many different doctors, but no one could help her. This woman heard about Jesus and went to Him—joining a huge crowd around Him. She believed if she could just touch His garment she would be healed—and that is what she did.  And “immediately her bleeding stopped, and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering.”

We read that Jesus immediately realized that “power had gone out of Him.” He asked the crowd, “who touched my clothes?” The woman came and fell at His feet and told Him the whole truth. And ladies, this is the most beautiful part of the passage—Jesus said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.”

No matter how long we have suffered, and no matter how bad the suffering has been—may we hold onto hope. May we continue to move forward in our journey toward healing from sexual trauma. And may we trust in the God of all hope—the God who sees us, who loves us, and who restores us.

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Dr. Tammy is an inspirational speaker, author, and clinical psychologist. She is the creator and founder of the National Organization, Sisters Supporting Sisters.   Dr. Tammy is also the creator, producer, and host of “A New Day” with Dr. Tammy—a program dedicated to offering hope, resources, and insight for her viewing audiences. “A New Day” With Dr. Tammy airs on Smart Lifestyle Television with the Loma Linda Broadcasting Network.