Are We Having Fun Yet?

When did we decide everything had to be so serious? When did we allow our marriages to become a place of boredom and routine? When was the last time you and your spouse had a great laugh together? When was the last time you dropped everything and went for a drive just to be together? When did you stop kissing your spouse goodbye? When did you become so focused on you do everything and he does nothing? When did you start taking your life so darn seriously? This is the area I will address in this installment

Duty vs. Love

When you married your husband, did you envision a life of fun together? Seriously, are you having fun with the man you married? Do you and your husband do things together that you both enjoy doing? I will use the word I used talking about our physical relationship with our husband: duty. Has the word duty replaced the word love in your marriage? On a daily basis, how often do you deeply feel love for your husband. Again, this is a heart issue. Love is on the opposite spectrum of the word duty. Where are your thoughts going as I bring this up. Get out that journal and do a brain dump of all the reasons you feel you and your spouse are not having fun together. Write them all down, everything from, we are both too tired; that is not a high priority for me; my parents never really had fun, they were my role model. Or maybe we have gotten to a place in our marriage where we believe we don’t have things in common: “He likes sports, I like music and art.”

Another common phrase we hear all too often is WE’VE GROWN APART. Or we spent so much time getting our kids through school and all of their activities we forgot how to  have fun together, you don’t really know each other. Write it all down. All progress starts by telling the truth. Write down if you think it’s his fault, write down if you feel it’s your fault.

Are You Fun?

Now I want you to answer another question, this is going to get personal.  Do you think you are fun to be with? Are you a fun person? Can you laugh at yourself or have you become so serious about every aspect of your life, that there isn’t any room for fun. Have you become an Eeyore like from the story Winnie the Poo! Always doom and gloom, the sky is falling type of person. Have you taken on a critical spirit? Write all this down too! I want you to pray about this. No one knows what is going on in your thoughts but you and the Holy Spirit!

When did you lose your playful child-like attitude? Do you think as Christian’s we are supposed to be stoic and pius and being about the Lord’s work, no room for having fun? Does your husband enjoy being around you? Do you enjoy being around yourself?

Busyness and Doing

You may be familiar with the story of Martha and Mary. I’m paraphrasing this illustration. Jesus came to their house to visit. Martha spends the entire time doing stuff and Mary is sitting at Jesus’s feet, hanging on his every word. From my perspective Martha was caught up in busyness in preparation and Mary was doing what her heart told her, spending time with Jesus! Martha got frustrated! In the New International Version (NIV) of the Bible, Jesus said to Martha, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” (Luke 10:41-42, NIV)

This whole passage to me illustrates a few things. The first one is busyness and doing. And then being frustrated because you’re not getting credit for what you are doing. The second thing is I believe Jesus is illustrating where we are to get our instruction. From him, his word. That is what matters most. And the last big thing I think this illustrates is attitude. We clearly see two attitudes here. Are we so caught up in the doing that we are frustrated. I think this shows us that relationship is more important than the doing!  So, let’s apply this to our marriage relationship. Are we a Martha in our marriage or a Mary?

What’s your overall attitude? Have you taken a look in the mirror. Who have you become? Another question is: How high on the priority list is your marriage? Don’t get me wrong, I do feel there are different seasons of our marriage that can be especially demanding. I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about you again, your heart. When did you become hardened? When did you become an ongoing complainer and nagger? What is the condition of your heart? Take a good hard look at this! There used to be this business saying: “Who you are speaks so loud I can’t hear what you are saying!”

Are You Having Fun Yet?

Again, are you having fun with the person you have chosen to do life with? Fun will look different for each and every marriage. What I think is fun in my marriage probably won’t appeal to you. But I will say, the more fun I have with my husband the more in love with him I feel. Learning to laugh at myself, even when I blow it and admit my mistake—but have the courage to snicker about it, this has been huge for me.

You might be saying: “Fun isn’t that important to me. Really? I am going to challenge you here. Let’s go back to when you were a kid with very few responsibilities. Did you have fun swinging on a swing set, running through the park playing chase, or exploring the neighborhood? I feel the idea of having fun is becoming a lost art. 

Maybe you feel fun is lacking for you personally. Why? Do a brain dump in your journal. Now write down all the things that you feel are fun that you might like to do. Can you see the value of putting fun activities that you like to do in your life? Even in small amounts. Are you willing to find a way to put them in your life. We forget we have an imagination. Do this exercise in your journal. Make this fun. No one said adulting had to be without fun. We are doing this to ourselves!

Now, step 2, let’s talk about bringing fun into your marriage. I want you to go back in your memory and recall the fun experiences you have had with your husband. The big things and the little things. As many as you can think of. What were you doing? Write it all down in your journal. Use your imagination, what activities do you think you would have fun doing with your husband in the future?  If your marriage relationship has gotten boring, it’s because we’ve allowed it to get that way. We get into routines and schedules, we forget to deposit into this important relationship. Our marriage can be a blast. But you have to see it that way. Your investment in having fun with your spouse will be a huge game changer! You have to see it as important!

We have been given this incredible gift. It is going to take courage to change the status quo. It can be walking the dog together, going on a little fun hike, learning pickle ball, or something different you both might have an interest in. Taking a drive and exploring the area. Signing up to do a 30-minute gym workout together a couple of times a week. Finding a Netflix series you both can get into. Playing cards with each other. It’s using our imagination, with this goal in mind: “I want to have a fun relationship with my husband.” One fun thing my husband and I decided to do was to find who had the best tacos on Taco Tuesdays and we went to a different place each week and gave each place a score till we found our new favorite.

I know from my experience it’s easy to get stuck in a rut. But if you want a loving thriving passionate marriage you must figure out how to have fun together again. It is a choice. It’s about time. It’s going to take courage to share with your spouse that you want to have fun with him. Just the two of you. We get to decide what is important to us. If we value our marriage, it needs time. Time for having fun together.

God gave us our spouse, not to take our relationship for granted, but to build a friendship and a relationship that will withstand time. We must treat it that way. God gave us all the emotions, and having fun is one of them. So, the question “Are you having fun in your marriage?”

Do the journaling I suggested. Take some action to move your relationship on the road to a loving, fulfilling passionate marriage. It starts with you.

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Monette hosts a weekly podcast: Mornings with Monette. She has been a life-long learner and and appreciates the opportunity to share what she has learned–both through her podcast and here at The Best-Life Project (based on the content of her weekly podcast). Her messages are raw, honest and straight from the heart. She lives in Albuquerque, NM with her husband Leland. They have three adult children and are enjoying living their best lives filled with travel and adventure.