Written by Pam’s Husband Bill Farrel
It was 4:30 in the morning and we were exhausted. Pam had been in labor for 24 hours but wasn’t progressing while our firstborn’s heart rate was interrupted with every contraction. The pain and intensity of labor made it impossible for either of us to admit our fear until the doctor called for an emergency caesarian section.
Terrible thoughts of what might be wrong ran laps in my mind as they prepped for the procedure. Much to my relief, my son’s umbilical cord was merely bunched up next to his head which caused it be constricted. There was no major damage but he was born very blue. My first thought as a new dad was, “We just gave birth to a Smurf!” During the life-giving ordeal, I felt helpless and useful at the same time. Helpless to stop my wife’s painful labor yet useful in encouraging her through the process. Helpless to ease my son’s predicament yet useful in holding him afterward. Little did I know this was a preview of how I would feel trying to be an adult dad to adults.
Like many of you, I had little experience to draw on. My dad lost his dad when he was 17 years old, so he had no instincts to guide him. So, I read books, and I asked other dads. They shared plenty of advice for raising young kids but said little about my role when my kids grew up. In fact, it seemed everybody was guessing. Like them, I am now trying to figure out how to be the dad I want to be with kids who are no longer kids.
I have decided to be F.A.I.R. to them. It’s ironic since they regularly accused me of not being fair as teenagers. It will be interesting to see how they respond as adults. F.A.I.R. stands for four approaches we can take as fathers to help our kids with their adult journey.
Fill them in
Each decade of adult living has its specific focus, but few people realize it until the decade has passed. As dad, you have been through the stage your son or daughter is currently experiencing. You can, therefore, fill them in on what to expect.
- The twenties are a time to be idealistic when young people dream big. To them all things are possible in a big world with a big God leading them. They love verses such as, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” (1 Thessalonians 4:13) This is the time of life when God builds their faith before they get too loaded up with responsibility.
- The thirties are a time to be industrious. Our kids will begin to realize how challenging life and careers can be. They are strong and energetic, though, so they have an incredible capacity to work and work hard. This is the decade where they build their families and establish their place in the community.
- The forties are a time of intensity where everything is marked by change. Physical challenges impose unwanted limits. Puberty turns our kids into teenagers. Aging parents begin demanding time and attention. Our resources get stretched to the limit, our patience gets tested like never before and our neglected needs cry out for attention. If we see it coming, we can brace ourselves for an intense period of service. If we get surprised by this transition, we can easily grow frustrated and self-absorbed.
- The fifties and sixties are a time for influence. Our life experience has finally been transformed into real wisdom. We know what works and what doesn’t, and we are willing to spend most of our time doing what we do best. Others naturally watch our lives and want to know what we know making these years the most effective of our lives.
- The seventies and eighties are a time to be indelible. Our bodies become uncooperative, our hair turns noticeably silver, and our production diminishes. We do, however, have a captive audience. Our kids, grandkids and great grandkids want to hear the family story with all its victories, unhealthy trends, agonizing setbacks and significant contributions to life. They are products of this family system, so they are naturally interested and you are the best person in their lives to tell the story.
Advise as a Consultant
I find this to be the hardest part of the transition. The general rule for consultants is they wait to be asked. They don’t push the agenda, and they don’t insert themselves into situations they haven’t been invited into. When asked, they share their expertise, but if they aren’t asked, they keep their advice to themselves. Jason shared with our small group his recent invitation to be a consultant, “My daughter just got a big promotion at work. She is concerned about how to balance her new work responsibilities with her family life. She called to ask my advice. I am not sure yet what I am going to share but I am glad she asked.”
Invite them up
The goal with your grown kids is to become peers with them but it doesn’t happen just because we all get older. For most of their lives you have been an authority figure in their lives. If you want them to become peers, it is up to you to invite them up to the level of adults. The movement happens when you realize your grown child is better at something than you. At that point you can ask for their advice. When you do, you endorse your son or daughter with a powerful proclamation that they have joined the company of adults who share their expertise with each other.
I have had the privilege of calling each of my three sons up the level of adults. My 31-year-old son is a natural at organizational leadership. When I needed to reorganize procedures in my office, I called him for his perspective. My 29-year-old son is a talented exercise physiologist so when I had trouble with my shoulder, I asked him for a new exercise routine. My 24-year-old son is an insightful mechanical engineer. When I needed help with a car project, I let him teach me. The response was the similar from all three even though they didn’t realize I was deliberately inviting them up. A new look of confidence rose in their eyes, and they gave advice enthusiastically.
Be a Refuge
Supporting your kids is easy when they are succeeding and making good decisions. It is a very different scenario when they are making short-sighted or self-destructive decisions. In the past year, men I know had to face the following scenarios:
- My son bought a house a couple of years ago without asking us or his wife’s parents for advice. It was not a good investment, which we would have recognized from our experience. The house had problem after problem. They finally found mold in the basement and realized it would take more to repair than it was worth. They released the house to the bank and carry a foreclosure on their record.
- My daughter has become incredibly stubborn. She and our son-in-law have two incredible children who are now suffering through a divorce. I know they could work it out. My son-n-law is trying but my daughter is unwilling. I know she will eventually regret this.
- My son just entered a recovery program. I thought the drug use was behind him, and I was confident that having a family would give him all the motivation he needed to stay sober. I guess the big bonus he received this year at work was just too big a temptation. I am going to visit him this weekend at the rehab facility. Please pray that I somehow know what to say to him.
At times like these, our kids look around for help and we are often their best option. The help could range from putting your arm around their shoulders to putting them up at your house. The goal of the refuge is to be tender, targeted and temporary. Tender in that it comes without judgment or strings. Targeted in that it meets the need in the simplest and smallest way possible. Temporary in that it ends as quickly as possible, so it doesn’t become a replacement for their independence.
It is confusing at times being F.A.I.R. with our adult kids but it is worth it. As Proverbs 17:6 states:
“Children’s children are a crown to the aged, and parents are the pride of their children.”
Bill Farrel is a trusted life-coach, specializing in marriage and family. He and His wife, Pam Farrel, Co-Direct Love-Wise Ministry and together they have penned over 60 books including bestselling Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti. Bill has also published many books for men: 10 Best Decisions a Man Can Make; 10 Best Decisions a Leader Can Make; and 7 Simple Skills for Every Man.