The Things I Did Right

Recently, my husband and I attended his son’s 48^th birthday party. It’s hard to believe he was eleven when Steve and I married. Now he is grown up, with a daughter of his own.

His celebration prompted me to reminisce about the years he and I have spent intertwined in stepfamily living. Growing up I had two stepmoms myself. Understanding the child’s perspective often helps when evaluating my stepmom role, but not always.

I decided to make note of the things I did right as a stepmom, rather than ruminate and beat myself up over the things I’ve done wrong.

Here are a few:

I Let My Stepsons Love Their Mom

I know my stepsons love their mom. She brought them into the world, and they have a unique bond. She is deceased now. Because I had a stepmom myself, I knew not to try to become “another mom” even when I didn’t agree with her choices. To summarize: I give them the freedom to love their mother without fear of hurting me. This was a huge step because I wanted them to love me too. I grew to learn that it might or might not happen—it can’t be forced.

I learned How to Set Healthy Boundaries

As a full-fledged, card carrying, codependent it was very hard for me as a stepmom to discern how and when it was necessary to say—NO! This included learning the difference between a healthy, humble, loving, “No, I won’t let you speak to me that way” response as opposed to, “You want to get ugly with me—I ’ll show you ugly” in retaliation or vengeance. I’d love to say I’m completely perfect at this, but I’d be lying.

I Accept the Things I CAN Never Control

My entire world changed once I finally accepted and embraced the revelation that I’ll never be able to control the actions of another person. This doesn’t mean ignoring or tolerating abuse, it merely means letting go of the distorted perspective that I can manipulate, command, beg or force another person to behave in an intelligent, considerate or appropriate manner. When my stepfamily (and my biological family) chooses to reject or neglect my feeling I’ve learned how to let go. I’ve lost count of the times I prayed, “Lord, give me the mind of Christ. I need to think like you, because it hurts” It’s my prayer that they have observed the times I’ve worked very hard to turn the other cheek without holding a grudge. But even if they never do, I do it for God first and my husband second.

I Admitted My Issues

Did you ever drive behind a pickup truck that is so loaded to the brim with junk that the debris falls off the flatbed and flies all over the road? That’s how I came into my marriage. My heart was filled with a mountain of putrid, decaying, emotional garbage. Before I could become an enjoyable mate or an effective stepmom, I needed surgery on my weary soul to remove the toxins and stench. This required professional help and time alone with God.

But I chose to do it, and Jesus pointed to the wounded places from my past that were still embedded. I assumed the pain from my childhood evaporated when I became an adult.

I was wrong.

Jesus cleansed my sins, but he didn’t wash away my brain, and the pain residing there. My thoughts needed healing and it wasn’t a light shampoo. It hurt.

I Got Help for My Distorted View of Marriage

Children of divorce often have perverted perceptions about marriage. This is especially true when the divorce was tumultuous. I was no exception. Having a single parent mom who was an, “I am woman, hear me roar” during the 60’s and 70’s didn’t help. That “bra burning” era looked good on the cover of Newsweek, but it produced confusion and frustration when I attempted to become a wife.

I had to learn how to communicate, confront, and unify with my husband in a way that benefitted both of us. We attended community groups, marriage retreats, and absorbed good resources which strengthened our union. That’s not to say all the teachings were helpful. Unfortunately, there were a few which fueled my codependency and the “need to please.” Eventually, I discovered how to say no in a loving manner.

I Learned that Preaching Doesn’t Work

In my early years I was very aggressive about sharing my faith in Christ with Steve’s sons. I discovered I was doing more to push them away, than draw them in. Instead of talking about Christ, I was pushy and preachy. I regret that more than anything. I now know more is “caught than taught.” By pursuing a life that is surrendered to Jesus, it’s my prayer they see Him in me.

I asked my husband what he thinks I’ve done right. He amazed me with this, “You’re a great Nana, You show my kids what a good marriage looks like,” and “You sacrifice and do things I know you don’t want to do.”

I’ve made many mistakes as a stepmom. God has forgiven me. And I pray my stepsons will too. But even if they don’t, I’ve asked God to use all of it for His glory.

And that’s when I know I’m becoming a Smart Stepmom.

Copyright 2025, May not be duplicated without permission.

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Laura Petherbridge is an international author and speaker who serves couples and single adults with topics on relationships, stepfamilies, singles, divorce prevention, and divorce recovery. She is the author of When “I Do” Becomes “I Don’t”—Practical Steps for Healing During Separation and Divorce, The Smart Stepmom, co-authored with Ron Deal, and 101 Tips for The Smart Stepmom: Expert Advice From One Stepmom to Another. Her website is www.TheSmartStepmom.com. Watch her most recent broadcast with Family Life Blended.