The Power of Decision Making

Do you struggle with the trap of people pleasing? We don’t know what we want, we don’t have confidence in who we are and so we start trying to be all things to all people!

How did that feel when I said it? Isn’t it true that we’re often doing things for people we don’t even like, thinking if we agree to this thing, maybe we’ll meet someone’s expectation of us and then they will like us? We will get their approval. Or, maybe we’re doing things because someone told us we’re supposed to do them, we didn’t check in with ourselves, we just said “yes” and now our time is committed to do things that leave us exhausted, overwhelmed, and spread too thin—leaving us unfulfilled and unhappy.

You can continue to do what you’re doing, thinking this is just the way life is, or you can read this week’s post with an open mind, which will encourage you to stop lying to yourself. We often have on our game face and we’re going through the motions. Down deep, you probably have these passive feelings of anger. You have your secret list of those with whom you are angry. (Being angry and keeping this list is a lie too!)  You’re living in this place of: “I don’t know why I’m so unhappy, but I’ll put on my happy face and pretend everything is alright, as I run from place to place, pretending!”

You may be going through the motions in your marriage, in your home with your family, being single and believing once you get married your problems will be solved, or you’re feeling you’ll put in the time at your job, thinking it’s the job, that’s why you’re so miserable. You may be involved in activities that are easier to just keep showing up. I’m not saying you aren’t experiencing happy moments here and there, but overall, you are not happy. You are living a secret life of lying to yourself, everything is fine! Does any of this resonate with you?

Staying in this place of lying to yourself has consequences. You may be eating unhealthily, drinking too much, gossiping with friends, staying on social media scrolling TickTock or Reels to numb yourself out. Binging on Netflix or Amazon, just watching mindless TV. Your marriage may have lost intimacy, your kids feel tension in you! You are finding every possible thing out there to distract yourself.

This is the issue!

You are not in alignment with your integrity. This is a lonely place to live. You may be thinking: “Monette why are you being so dramatic about this?” It is because I’ve been exactly where you are, feeling the exact same way, doing the exact same things you’ve been doing, or are currently doing, to numb the inner pain and emptiness.

So, what do I mean by “you are not in alignment with your integrity?” It means you don’t know who you are and you don’t know what you want. You are running here and there for advice, doing the next thing that is trending, wearing what the advertisers are telling you to wear, even if it doesn’t look good on your body type. You’re still getting caught up wanting to be accepted by the “cool kids,” you’re so confused, trying to figure out the problem,  you’ve mentally checked out. You’re living your life like you’re playing bumper cars, one bad experience to the next.

Answer this question: “Do you feel like you are living your life in a state of confusion?” You feel so overwhelmed in this place you are doing the minimum and you’re lying to yourself about that too, thinking it’s good enough. Nobody cares, but you care and you’re secretly beating yourself up because you know you’re just putting in the time. You don’t like the decisions you’re making, and you don’t like just existing.

If you can identify with some of the things I just shared, or maybe all of the things,  please read on.

I believe, the number one problem you have is that you haven’t figured out what you want; you feel like the problem is outside of you (It is not). You are your number one problem. You’re the one creating this mess. You may be doing it unconsciously, but that doesn’t change the fact. You’re living unconsciously

Here’s what I mean. Have you ever gotten in your car to drive somewhere, you back out of the driveway and the next thing you know you are pulling into your destination. You kind of wake up out of this trance. Your mind took over and you drove to that place unconsciously. We can live our lives in this exact state of mind. We can live our lives in an unconscious state.

Focus on these two things. You don’t know what you want first and because of this you are living a lot of your life in an unconscious state.

Let’s start with “you don’t know what you want.” You vaguely know what you want, but you’re not sure. Here are a few examples! Let’s say you’re in some kind of long-term relationship or marriage. You’re living in the middle of should I stay or should I go. So, you’re not in 100 percent. Your brain begins to find all the negative things about this other person to justify leaving. Believe me it happens. By living in this place of I-don’t-know you will unconsciously sabotage the relationship. Maybe it’s your job or finding a new job. You don’t know what you want so you stay in that place of uncertainty. Your brain doesn’t like to stay in this place. It will start looking for ways to numb out of this place, overeating, over drinking, over scrolling, over binge watching Netflix, or whatever, to put your brain in a place of unconsciousness. This is where you’re present, but not really. You’re in the place of unconscious distraction.

Here’s another consequence of not figuring out what you want. You don’t know what you want, so you get caught up in doing what other people want, staying quiet, doing whatever—which becomes people pleasing, which is lying. You start living unconsciously because you are shutting down your soul, being someone you’re not. You begin to lose confidence in yourself, you begin to believe this lie and you lose trust in your own decision-making ability.

I cannot stress my case on this issue of not figuring out what you want enough. You must get honest with yourself and figure out what you want. It is going to take courage. It is going to take some soul searching. You are going to have to take a timeout. You are going to have to take time to look at each area of your life and ask the question: “what do I want?”

As a Christian I believe God wants us to live our lives with integrity. When we trade the truth for lies, we are no longer living in God’s best for us. We are living a counterfeit life and we become ineffective in what God has called us to do. I say this all the time. Satan is the father of lies. When we are living our life in a state of lying, we are forfeiting God’s best for us.

I want you to get out that journal. I want you to truly pray about this and ask God to show you the areas in your life where you are not living in integrity with yourself. Write out 5 main areas of your life: Spiritual, Family, Health, Career and Community. Now I want you to take these general areas and make them specific to you. This is just getting you to open up your thinking. Now in these specific areas I want you to find one or two areas where you are struggling the most and put them at the top of your paper. This is just for you. With these two areas where you are struggling, are you in a place of indecision? Be honest with yourself. Do you know what you want? This is a very important question. You are going to have to pray about this and figure it out. God has given you a sound mind. This is going to be unique to you.

I’m going to share a made-up example to show you what I’m talking about. Let’s say you have this friend Suzy. She is a loving, kind, organized present mom. And maybe the lie you’ve been telling yourself is: “I want to be like Suzy, she has it all figured out, I watch her Instagram posts.” The lie you tell yourself is well if I had her husband or her kids, and then you get involved in the groups Suzy is involved in, you idolize Suzy, you want your life to look like Suzy’s life, you stop thinking for yourself, you lose your identity. If Suzy talks about other people, you join in, if she tells the group about how her husband is, you chime in about yours. You join the groups Suzy’s apart of, and you volunteer for things Suzy volunteers for. If you play this delusional game of “Suzy the perfect mommy,” you will be miserable. And these lies start stacking up on themselves. You lose yourself trying to be all things to all people at the expense of what you really want. So, wanting to be a loving kind, organized present mom could be something you really want, but the lie is that Suzy has it all together, I want to be like Suzy.  You be you. Like they say everyone else is taken. If that is what you really want, get off the Suzy train. Be honest with yourself. Get off the comparison train. What’s happened is you lost you! You want to be that loving, kind, organized and attentive mom. Write it down, create a plan and follow through.

Once you get honest and you get clarity, you create a plan with the integrity of who you are. Become resourceful, work on small changes. Give yourself space and grace. Give yourself credit as you make progress. It all starts when you figure out what you want. Find the lie you are living. This illustration may sound trivial, but we do this in different areas of our life! If we don’t know what we want, we give away that decision to other people. This leads to the lying to keep up the facade! Use this as a litmus test for your life. Where are you living your life out of alignment with your integrity? This is an important question. Getting clarity of what you really want is crucial!

As you are figuring out what you want, ask yourself: “Does this align with my Christian faith?” Have you prayed about it? When we figure out what we want and commit, we experience incredible joy and fulfillment. We gain confidence. Our souls will come alive. It may not be perfect; we will have setbacks. That is a part of life. But when we live in a state of: “I don’t know, it doesn’t matter,” it is a dangerous place to live. It leads to that place of living an unconscious unfulfilled existence. I think that is a waste of who God has called us to be. It’s counterfeit. Take a hard look at your life and figure out where you are lying!

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Monette hosts a weekly podcast: Mornings with Monette. She has been a lifelong learner and and appreciates the opportunity to share what she has learned–both through her podcast and here at The Best-Life Project (based on the content of her weekly podcast). Her messages are raw, honest and straight from the heart. She lives in Albuquerque, NM with her husband Leland. They have three adult children and are enjoying living their best lives filled with travel and adventure.