Now that we are living in that sweet spot of life, where we have time, health and resources, we may expect that Mother’s Day will be a sweet day as well. Yet, by now, many of our mothers have died or live far away and our children are now adults with families of their own. For many of us, Mother’s Day can feel lonely, and anything but sweet.
Early Years as a Mom
My early years as a mom, Mother’s Day was a time of handmade cards, cut flowers from my garden, and clanging from the kitchen as the children made me Breakfast in Bed. One year, later in life, I sensed that my three sons had completely forgotten about the holiday, and I asked what they had gotten for me. With shocked looks on their faces they admitted they didn’t do anything or make any plans. I made what I thought was a simple request. We would all spend one hour together in the yard pulling weeds. After some groaning, they acquiesced, and we spent a productive hour cleaning the yard. I’d like to say they never forgot Mother’s Day again, but they surely never forgot that day!
Mother of Adult Children
As a mother of adult sons, I quickly realized that once they were married and had children of their own, I was no longer their priority, which is just as it should be. However, once they were married, their wives took first place and then the mothers of their wives took second place, leaving me in third place. As I shared that this morning, as my trainer said, “At least you’re on the podium!”
We have a fantasy of Mother’s Day with smiling faces, bouquets of flowers and boxes of chocolates. Mom sits in a chair and her adoring children dote on her. Do you really want flowers and chocolates?
The Gift of Time
As I asked other mothers what their ideal Mother’s Day looks like, it unanimously came down to one thing: TIME. We just want to spend time with our children. It may not even be on the specific day, but we want time to be with them. We’d like a day that is stress free, and relaxing.
Indecision is a huge complicating factor for moms like us. Our adult children aren’t able to commit to an activity or plan until it is really too late. I think it is across the board with this generation. One mom said her children hadn’t decided where they wanted to spend Mother’s Day until five days ago. When they did decide, the daughter didn’t phone for reservations until Friday and by then, there were no tables available at any of the chosen four restaurants. As planning in advance seems to be an anathema to this generation, the daughter was surprised that no reservations were available.
Realistic Expectations
It is important that we be alert to our expectations of the day and be realistic. If we examine our wishes, what we really want is time.
Remember, Mother’s Day can be a difficult day for many. There are women in your life who never had children, who have prodigal children, who have children who are living far away, and/or whose mother has died. Often, we have unrealistic expectations which leave us in the depths of disappointment. Reach out to others for whom this day is especially difficult, have a thankful heart for the blessing you do have. Do something for others. Several friends suggested sending cards to first time moms or single moms.
If you are like me and do not have the perfect Hallmark setting, how can you adjust your expectations and your thinking to have a better day? What will you do differently this year?
Through her speaking and writing, Lauren encourages people with her heartfelt messages and practical presentations. She is the author of The Art of Helping – What to say and Do When Someone is Hurting. Lauren and her family are active in both church and community choral groups. She and her husband live in Redlands, CA. They own Briggs and Coops Coins.
I’m spending my Mother’s Day with my Mom in Lubbock. I am so thankful to still have her in my life. Thanks for the post, I love it
My Mom has lived with us 14 months now – so we will go to brunch after Mass like every Sunday! Wed should be her last immunotherapy infusion – then a 3 month break after 2 years of every 3 weeks. She said it was her best birthday present – pet scan end of feb said no active cancer cells, last 3 quarterly brain mri’s showed no new cancer spots to be zapped !!! 88 years young and tells her doctors her goal is 100 !!!! – love her bunches !!!!! Memorial weekend trip back to Tucson to see her poker and bowling friends – see Daddy at cemetery on their anniversary and to Scottsdale for one of her sisters’ birthday – quick trip but she needs it !!!!!
Very thoughtful and insightful essay. I hope you have a lovely Mother’s Day. I remember your mother fondly.
Lauren, I enjoyed your blog and relate to your experiences. After having two sons we were blessed with a daughter. They are all wonderful adults now with families of their own, even Grandchildren. We have five Great-grandchildren with another due this month. So I’m not the only one to celebrate today.
Yes, time spent with them, one at a time, or all at once is the very best gift I could have any time. They are all successful in their work and truly busy, productive people. We are blessed.
Lauren, this is so true! I know my children love me dearly, but I am not their priority, as it should be. I enjoy the memories and am thankful they have families with whom they can celebrate!
Thank you so much for sharing this beautiful thoughts, it’s so true, I love it!❤️
I am so grateful you are my friend. This was so beautiful, It was such a good read for this morning. Thank you so much, Love you.
I appreciate this post. I needed it. I’m 82, widowed, with a son cross country and no family. I like to reminisce and feel grateful that I have good memories. Staying grateful and reaching out to others that are alone or in the middle of a difficult time is what I would like to do. I tend to do that on other occasions but didn’t think of it for Mother’s Day. Thank you. I now need to get busy and make a plan for tomorrow 😄
I look forward to hearing about your day!
Thank you, Lauren, for the great reminder.
I lost my mom 3 years ago, and still miss her every day.
I, too, have son and can relate to your words. I think being 3rd on the “podium” is good.
Love your heart!²
My mother died the day before Mother’s Day, 2015, so it will be ten years ago in a few days. I hadn’t seen her in over ten years, spoke to her on the phone occasionally the last three years of her life. Our estrangement led me to dig deep and study family systems, personality disorders, Hallmark family fantasies, exalted expectations and the value of being honest while aiming for greater emotional maturity. And, yes, God and prayer and soul searching and recovery from what she had done to me filled many a day and night.
The day she died my youngest son called to tell me of her death and ask if I would join him at her funeral in Kansas. I said absolutely not. He was gentle and sweet knowing what she had done and what she was like. The next day he called to wish me Happy Mother’s Day and I apologized for my attitude the day before and said I would love to meet him and my oldest son for her funeral.
God is amazing. The five days I spent in Kansas with my two sons was nothing short of extraordinary. It was a gift to be with them, no spouses, just the three of us. I helped pack her things, watched them work on her house trying to decide what to do with everything. We drove by my grandparent’s house where I lived briefly when I was in first grade. We went out to dinner every night. Grande margaritas were involved. My mother had no idea her funeral would be such a gift to me with my guys.
Along the way, I have learned in whatsoever state I’m in not to sweat the small stuff about Mother’s Day. My guys always call me but no cards or gifts are expected although sometimes I am surprised with something. I’m loved regardless. One lives in MA and the other is eight hours away in northern CA. Phone calls are great. My sons are great. My grandchildren are great. I have a fantastic husband. I am very aware, however, that there are probably millions of mothers who are estranged from their children and that Mother’s Day is a heart wrenching day. May God hold them tight on this painful day.