Love Extravagantly

While writing the “Celebrate Your Path” chapter in my 2000 book You’ve Got What It Takes about the value of a mission statement, I looked at my own life. I had a defining statement—a theme—for my professional ventures, but I did not have a personal one. I knew how valuable my professional statement was, so I could see the importance of a personal one—even recommending it to my readers—but I did not have one for myself. I mulled this over for several days, focusing on the need for a personal purpose statement, the “path” of my personal life.

At the time I was attending a women’s Bible study on the book of Ephesians. As a part of my preparation for the study, I would read the assigned chapter in several different versions of the Bible. One night I read Ephesians 5 in The Message. I wasn’t looking for a personal mission statement, although it was still in the back of my mind. I was simply preparing for the lesson the next day.

But as I read, this verse jumped out at me, and I instantly knew it was my personal path: “Observe how Christ loved us. His love is not cautious but extravagant. He didn’t love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that (vs.1)”. As I read that, I knew that my personal mission was to love my husband with extravagance, not to get, but to give everything of myself. As I cook breakfast or dinner, as I do the dishes, as I do the laundry, I can give something of myself, not expecting to get in return. My husband had been having a tough time. He was not in a place to give much. But I could. I wrote that verse on my bathroom mirror to remind me of my mission.

I find that I must frequently repeat this verse to myself, as it is contrary to my human nature. As Glenn T. Stanton says in his book Why Marriage Matters: “The depth and quality of love can only be sustained by a conscious act of will; it never simply happens.”

Shortly after embracing this idea of loving extravagantly, I had to put it to the test. Chuck had a large radio-controlled model airplane that has been a part of his life for over 30 years—he started building it when he was 16 and finally finished it 25 years later. We painstakingly moved it from house to house. He had too much of himself invested in it to risk flying it. In our home, it hangs near the peak of the cathedral ceiling in the family room. Bright red with Red Baron-like decals, it is sure to be noticed. Since it is important to Chuck, I have accepted it as a conversation piece—and you can be sure it is! It traveled with us to 8 different houses.

Then, he took the airplane to a model airplane show. He spent hours cleaning off the accumulated dust that had firmly attached itself to every surface. The plane was very popular at the show, and he discovered how valuable it really was. Before he put it back on its hook, he wanted to protect it. So, he covered the body and wings with plastic dry-cleaning bags, advertising, and all.

I like my home to look like a showplace; even having the airplane there is an act of compromise and love. Having it covered with baggy dry-cleaning bags with words on them went too far. “I’ll never be able to entertain again!” I wailed at him. After my outburst, which I knew was an overreaction, I went outside and trimmed my roses. As I took a deep breath, “love extravagantly” came to mind. Does it really matter if the airplane has bags over? What is more important, that my husband be happy or that I have a lovely home? Humm…that was tough. Love extravagantly, I told myself. I came back in and apologized—ready to accept the dry-cleaning bags. Meanwhile, he had decided that I was right, and it really was ugly. He had taken the plane down, removed the dry-cleaning bags, and replaced them with clear plastic wrap that clung tightly to every horizontal curve and doesn’t even show!

Ah, the power of a personal mission statement: not cautious but extravagant, not to get, but to give. What changes do you need to make to love your spouse extravagantly? Make it your personal purpose statement: love extravagantly.

I told this story in You’ve Got What It Takes, and I included the story every time I spoke on that book. Repeatedly after I’d shared the story, people told me that “love extravagantly” was what they needed to hear.

The first time I shared it, I was speaking at a women’s conference in Oregon. At the end of the day a woman came up to me and said, “Out of everything that has gone on here today, ‘love extravagantly’ is what I’m taking home with me. I thanked her and smiled. I realized I had hit upon something that wasn’t just important to me; it resonated with my audiences. I shared the same message with a group of women in Phoenix. At the end, an older woman came up to me and said: “what you shared about loving extravagantly was for me.” She explained that her husband was terminally ill, and she was his caretaker. She needed to remember to love extravagantly.

After hearing the love extravagantly story at a women’s conference, a woman sent me the following e-mail: “Brad has given me an opportunity to love extravagantly!!! While I was at the conference, he must have gotten bored, because he decided to take all of his old LP ‘s out of their box in the garage, along with his old turntable. The turntable is on top of the stereo in our living room (for all to see), and his albums are stacked in the hall. I’m not talking 5 or 10 or even 25 albums—I’m guessing there are at least 200 or more (I don’t have the heart to count). They are not something you can pretend to overlook. So… Before I called him at work to ask how long they would be sitting there, I decided to love extravagantly, as you have challenged me to do, and not say a word.”

As I continued to speak on the message of You’ve Got What It Takes, I found the need for the love extravagantly principle to be universal. What began as a small part of my previous book grew into a book of its own.

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The previous text, is a slightly edited version of the preface to my 2001 book Love Extravagantly. Though I am no longer married to that Chuck, my current husband’s name is Chuck as well (see story here). While his idiosyncrasies are different, they are also present—as are mine. I currently needed to be reminded to love extravagantly.

Perhaps, you needed to receive this message today. Maybe that’s why I was prompted to share this old story. I’d love to hear your reaction.

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Marita Littauer Tedder has spent the majority of her adult life working with women—helping them improve relationships, achieve their speaking and writing dreams, and being the best version of themselves they can possibly be. The author of 20 books, this Living Our Best Life Project is her newest effort—through which she hopes to challenge women to be fulfilled where they are.