February is the month associated with love. Some people are easy to love; others aren’t.
When you think of the term “hard to love,” does a person immediately come to mind? Perhaps this person is a family member, a “friend,” or acquaintance you see more often than you want to. Either way, loving difficult people is hard. And distancing ourselves from difficult-to-love people isn’t always an option.
Following are my thoughts of loving those who make it hard to love them:
Qualities of the Hard to Love
We have distinct and unique personalities, and sometimes, we find certain people as irritating as persistent insects. We can swat and fan, but they still buzz around us relentlessly, annoying, frustrating, and generally making life miserable.
Those who are hard to love are often unpredictable, critical, and superior. The hard-to-love are game-players. Just when you think you’ve figured out the rules to playing their games, they change those rules. The hard-to-love are impossible to please and they have no problem letting you know how often you fall short of their expectations.
It would be nice if we could eliminate these people from our lives, but often, they are family members, work colleagues, or others we encounter on a daily or weekly basis.
Seeing Beneath the Surface
Years ago, I read a book by author Joyce Landorf Heatherly titled “Irregular People.” As if to underscore the quirkiness of such people, the first “r” in the word “irregular” is printed backwards in the book’s title.
Reading “Irregular People” was eye-opening for me, because it helped me see beyond the frustration I felt toward those abrasive people who are hard to love. When you look beneath the sandpaper exterior of hard-to-love people, you gain a tiny understanding of why they are the way they are.
Often, sandpaper people cover insecurities with a rough exterior. The know-it-all is unsure he knows anything at all. The braggart secretly feels inferior. The critic is seeking self-elevation. The passive-aggressive harbors jealousy. Those who are bossy and domineering strive for control. The one who hangs onto offense hasn’t learned to forgive. The prideful never admit wrong doing.
Looking beyond a hard-to-love person’s prickly exterior helps us gain insight, apply grace, and maintain forward motion.
Look for Something Positive
When someone seems unlovable, look for a positive quality in that person. I know, at a glance, it appears nothing is positive but look anyway.
Most of us have some redeeming quality, even if discovering it requires a deep dive. Perhaps you can connect with the stone-faced critic on some element of trivia. Maybe the complainer turns out to possess a skill you’d like to learn. Search for that tiny kernel that provides a shaky connection and cultivate it.
Control Your Response
Responding to abrasive people requires patience, gentleness, and love, none of which are easy.
Accept that hard-to-love people rarely change. Realize they are probably always going to irritate you, so be prepared by praying before you encounter them. Decide you’re not going to argue or attempt to prove them wrong. Respond with respect and kindness.
For the difficult person who is mentally or emotionally abusive, set boundaries. Remember, their words don’t define you. Don’t trust physical abusers. Your safety is paramount and loving doesn’t mean putting yourself in jeopardy.
Sometimes, the only way to love “irregular” people is to remember God loves them, and we have a mandate to love because God loved us first.
“Be humble. Be gentle. Be patient. Tolerate one another in an atmosphere thick with love”
(Ephesians 4:2 VOICE).
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Candy Arrington is an award-winning writer, blogger, and speaker. She often writes on tough topics with a focus on moving through, and beyond, difficult life circumstances. Candy has written hundreds of articles, stories, and devotions published by numerous outlets including: Inspiration.org, Arisedaily.com, CBN.com, Healthgrades.com, Care.com, Focus on the Family, NextAvenue.org, CountryLiving.com, and Writer’s Digest. Candy’s books include Life on Pause: Learning to Wait Well (Bold Vision Books), When Your Aging Parent Needs Care (Harvest House), and AFTERSHOCK: Help, Hope, and Healing in the Wake of Suicide (B&H Publishing Group).
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I chuckled as Candy referred to the book by Joyce Landorf! It was a life-changer for me in relationship to what I termed my “Prickly People” and became aware of guarding my heart and setting boundaries. In addition, to pray for them and that God would give me a love for them as He has. It was powerful in my life and in fact, now, at the age of 72, I share this with younger women I mentor. Love it!!!
Thanks, Faye! So good that you are mentoring younger women. They need us!
Thank you, Faye. So good that you are mentoring younger women.
Candy, great wisdom. And what a “blast from the past” was the reminder of “Irregular People” book. I read it back then and loved it. I read most of Joyce’s resources they were excellent. A current one that I now use to refer to others is “The Emotionally Destructive Relationship” by Leslie Vernick. It is Christian but also extremely practical. She had a very destructive mother and shares how God taught her to honor her and yet still guard her heart. People are very wounded in today’s society. So learning how to respond it crucial to keep our sanity. Thanks again, excellent advice. Warmly, Laura Petherbridge
I wish Leslie would write for The Best-Life Project. I have invited her in the past. With this reminder, I’ll reach out again!
Thanks, Laura. I’m glad you mentioned Leslie’s book. I’m always thankful for practical advice that addresses hard subjects and relationships. 😃
Laura, thanks for mentioning Leslie Vernick’s book. And thank you for your comments on my post. I think we’ve all encountered emotionally destructive people. The only way to interact with grace is with God’s help.
I’ve not read this book but I sure need to now! Thank you for these great tips.
You’re welcome!