Let’s delve into our personal role in our marriages; how we see ourselves. Marriage has many dimensions. It also goes through many seasons. We can go through a tough season, and we tend to define that as our marriage. It is easy to think: “I have a tough marriage; I should get out of it and have a new marriage.” That is not the answer! Sometimes it’s in the hard seasons, the reality of the state of our marriage comes to surface.
We often get blinded by what the world continues to throw at us we can forget what a gift our marriage is. There is nothing like the intimacy of marriage. When one of the two people go outside of this covenant to find intimacy, it is counterfeit. It brings shame, and separation. It breaks the trust. It doesn’t even have to be sexual. This deception of finding intimacy can come in many different forms. When we substitute anyone in the place of our spouse, sharing our strongest fears and our hopes or sharing our dreams, our ideas, we are substituting someone else in the place of our spouse. I know this, because I’m guilty of it. At the time it feels right. You’re sharing more with your friends or your mom than you do with your own husband. I can think back to raising my kids and handling things myself, not bringing my husband in on so many issues. Looking back, I robbed us both of figuring out the situation together. A missed opportunity to build trust and intimacy. Does this sound familiar?
For me, when I really woke up was probably seven years ago, after the deaths of our mothers. We had a year where each of them were very ill. At the end of that year, they both passed away within three weeks of each other. It was literally two years of an emotional roller coaster. Even after they passed away, it was dealing with all the stuff. Their houses, all of the estate stuff, siblings. If you have gone through this you know what I’m talking about.
What Needs to Change?
I was numb. I was dead inside. This was the time I began evaluating everything. My marriage, my friendships, the tennis team with whom I played, even all the stuff that we had now brought in our house and where were we going to put everything. I was spent. I was trying to piece together what had just happened. And you know what? I didn’t like my life! I didn’t know what to do with myself. What was my purpose? I had to sit and look at myself! The place I felt most dead was my marriage. I looked at all of it. I knew something had to change. I did a lot of praying. What God told me was that the very thing I had taken the most for granted was my marriage! Yes, we had both just buried our mom’s, our kids were now in college, or starting their careers. God began to show me, why my marriage was in the state it was. We were not fighting. We were “fine.” That’s why I know I can relate with you. Everything was fine! We had just come out of a really tough season. But now what? That’s why I continue to say all progress starts by telling the truth. I had to be honest and start telling myself the truth. Did I have a loving, thriving passionate marriage? No, I did not. God told me it could be different. I knew in my heart it would be different. And you know what began to change? Me! I began to change!
Everything I am sharing with you in these marriage messages, I have seen in myself. I’ve had all the thoughts, justifications, and unforgiveness! I’ve been in the husband bashing sessions with my friends. I’ve wondered how successful I could have been, had I not been a stay-at-home mom. I’ve said all the stuff and blamed all the people for my unhappiness. You know what God showed me during this time? I was an incredible complainer and blamer. I blamed my husband the most. In my head, my husband became the cause of my misery. It was him. It looked fine on the outside, but it was my internal dialogue.
So, when I say, we take marriage for granted, I believe it because I was there. When I address substituting your friends, your children, your family for your intimacy and trust, I know those things because I’ve done those things. I’ve been on both sides of the fence. I have listened for years to my friends do the same thing I’ve been so guilty of! Our calling is respecting and loving our husband and building an intimate relationship with him.
The place it has to start is: where are you lying and what are you hiding from your husband? What are you not willing to share with your husband. Where do you feel most vulnerable? Are you feeling sad? Feeling lonely? Have you built a facade in your marriage? You need the truth here, the real down deep feelings about how you are really feeling about your marriage. I was truthful with you. I felt dead inside. I couldn’t see the future. I didn’t know how it was going to happen, I just knew that I was feeling good about being on the other side of this awful experience of burying our moms and figuring out the details. But I wanted more from my marriage. As they say, I had hit the precipice.
This is where God began to work on me. I was at the end of myself. I knew that the next pieces were going to take a lot of courage, being vulnerable and coming to my husband with love and compassion, not by a conversation and not by confronting!
A Fresh Look
I took a fresh look at our marriage. I started changing the conversation, not just telling him what I was going to do, I actually started suggesting some things we could do together. I changed and our marriage changed. I became more and more affectionate, and more trusting. I quit holding my husband hostage for my unhappiness. I began to realize that I needed to create my own tennis team. I started my podcast about 8 months later. The happier I became with myself, with God’s help, the more I could see where I was blind and that my best friend was actually living in the same house with me. I began to appreciate the life I had been given. I saw what a gift being able to stay home with my children really was. I realized we were partners in this life. I started seeing that I had married a strong, masculine man—and I loved that. He would protect me. I began to see our differences were what gave us passion in our marriage. For so long I made him out to be the bad guy; that he was the reason I was stuck. The real reason I was stuck was me and my own fears—yet, in him, I had the perfect scapegoat!
Do you see yourself in my story? As I look back at this time, I now don’t even recognize that person. I was living in such a delusion, and I couldn’t even see it. As I have been sharing from my heart, I hope I’m waking something up in you. I hope maybe you are taking a fresh new look at your marriage and your spouse.
This is about you. Take a fresh new look at yourself. I want you to be honest and journal about the state of you right now. Write about what things interest you. What are you good at? What makes you uniquely you? I want you to write out what you feel are your gifts and talents. Take the time to evaluate what lights you up. Are you using your uniqueness, or have you tucked that away because you’ve been so busy taking care of everyone else, you feel like you have lost yourself? Are you unhappy? Are you feeling insignificant and just playing the role of a dutiful wife? Where are you lying? Are you feeling dead inside? Is your husband an easy person to blame for your unhappiness? Do you have any personal dreams anymore? Are you excited about anything?
If you did decide to pursue a dream at this point, do you tell yourself: “my husband will never go for that.” Who are you blaming for being personally frustrated in your life? What I’m talking about now is huge moving forward.
All progress starts by telling the truth. I know I’m hitting a nerve right now! Why? Because I was sitting exactly where you are, feeling exactly like you’re feeling. This was the issue for me. I was stuck and my husband was the perfect scapegoat for my misery.
Please think about this. Is this you? If you are being totally honest, are you happy with yourself? Journal all your thoughts. In the next installment, we will get further into this topic. When God got my attention and I got really honest with him, this is where he changed me, and, then, it changed my marriage!
Monette hosts a weekly podcast: Mornings with Monette. She has been a lifelong learner and and appreciates the opportunity to share what she has learned–both through her podcast and here at The Best-Life Project (based on the content of her weekly podcast). Her messages are raw, honest and straight from the heart. She lives in Albuquerque, NM with her husband Leland. They have three adult children and are enjoying living their best lives filled with travel and adventure.
Thank you.