When we talk about marriage with our friends, do we say how much we love our marriage or how much we love him and how lucky we are to have our spouse? From my experience most of the conversations a group of women will have is sharing where they are frustrated in their marriage, where their husband is falling short. Why we do that?
I believe we are all searching for connection. And marriage is hard. When we find other people who agree with us, we can dump how we feel, or the latest area our husband has let us down, we feel some sort of temporary relief. What do you do when these conversations happen? I believe most of us get drawn in! It’s easy to do. But as I’ve been doing this series and looking at all the different aspects of marriage, I think this is an area that we often ignore.
Destructive Conversations
What are we saying about our spouse to other people, especially in groups of women? If our deepest desire is to create a thriving, passionate marriage, can you see how this does the opposite? I’m bringing this up because if you think about it, this is destructive. I’m not saying men aren’t doing the same thing, and they think it’s funny and calling their wife a ball-and-chain, or his old lady, or sharing how his wife is the boss, and stuff like that. Men have wife bashing conversations too! These public conversations do not create intimacy in our marriages. And yet it is so common.
When we engage in husband bashing (that’s what I like to call it) we are sabotaging our own happiness. I’m not suggesting that we don’t go to our closest friend for advice when we are struggling in our marriage. But even the litmus test here is: does your friend know that you want to love your husband? Does she respect and care about your husband and want to see you get through this struggle and encourage you to eventually forgive your spouse and, ultimately, restore your marriage. Or is her advice: “jump ship, you can find someone better?” Does she feed the bitterness we are already feeling?
Years ago, I had a friend who was at the brink of divorce. We would meet and I would listen as her heart was hurting. I would ask her: “Do you want me to just listen, or do you want some honest input?” We were really good friends. At the same time she was meeting with me, she was meeting with another really good friend of hers who had just come on the other side of a bitter divorce. As you can imagine her friend, who was in a lot of personal pain, was sharing very different advice than I was. I wanted her to figure it out and restore her marriage. She would make her final decision in the end. But I would ask her, do you want a divorce? We prayed and cried together. This was a painful time. I would ask God: “What is my role here?” I wanted to be supportive and yet I wanted to help her save her marriage.
Be Wise and Discerning
So, what about you? What are you looking for in that friend that you are confiding in? You get to choose. I’m just saying be wise and discerning! If this person you are confiding in is your mother or sister, think about what you are sharing. Another area in which I wish I’d done differently was sharing the ugly parts of my marriage with my mom. Moms love us unconditionally and believe every word we say, even the exaggerations. They will most likely not forget the things we are sharing with them, and even if you and your spouse figure this thing out, they will have a different view of your spouse. Choose who you share with wisely and be discerning!
You know that saying, we become the books we read and the people we associate with. I think this is a truth we need to look at. Not to say you need to ditch your women friends, but I highly recommend that you define your priorities. If having a thriving, passionate marriage is a high priority, which if you are reading this, I think it is, we need a plan.
Have a Plan
What are you going to do when one of these husband bashing sessions start. You have options. Politely remove yourself. We are adults. We get to choose. You can also try to change the subject. You can share something great about your spouse that has surprised you lately. Making a conscious effort that indulging in the mob-sharing of your husband’s perceived weaknesses in public is not healthy for your marriage is an important step. Most of the time, our friends aren’t even aware of the direction of the conversation. They think it’s light fun. But sorry, these sessions can easily kill desire for your husband. It starts out innocent, until it’s not. It’s like being part of a mean girl tribe. We are spending our whole life with our spouse. We need to be mindful of the influence our friends have on us and us on our friends.
I had never really put much thought into this until I read it in a book and thought: “Oh no all of this is actually harmful.” But once you see it you can’t unsee it. And you will notice it!
If you want that thriving, passionate marriage, having a pre-determined game plan is smart. All the little things add up!
Competition vs. Teamwork
Here’s another “little thing”: the area of competition with our spouse instead of teamwork. When you bring two self-centered people together in marriage, there is bound to be a spirit of competition–especially when the world is pitting men and women against each other. If we are not careful, this can come into our marriage. Think about it, the world is presenting men as the oppressors and women as the victim of these oppressors who must fight for our rights. One of the areas where this can be the most destructive is parenting. If there is a competitive spirit in parenting, your children will learn to divide and conquer. Other competitive areas can be finances, or household chores. If there is a spirit of competition, we can expect a lot of battles. They will be a constant part of your marriage. Even if, in a quest for peace, one person decides to not care anymore and gives up, there is apt to be resentment. The worst part about competition in marriage is both parties lose.
What if we approach marriage like we are on the same team? This means looking at our spouse as this beautiful gift and the person God has given us to create our marriage. When I finally woke up and figured out my husband and I are on the same team and approached conflict with this mindset as the starting point, no matter what we are going through, I keep telling myself we are on the same team, and we will figure this out. Really allowing God to change my heart on this and stopping listening to the world, and realizing the end game, down deep, is that I really want a loving, thriving, passionate marriage, has been a game changer.
Influence in Marriage
What we are really talking about is what is influencing our marriage. Is it well intended friends who are frustrated in their own marriages, is it competition, and listening to the worlds view about marriage? Are you viewing your marriage is a place to prove women are the victim and men are the oppressor where we must fight for our rights? These influences sneak into our marriage can be destructive. I want you to journal about this. Pray about this. Evaluate your marriage. I believe God wants you to have a thriving, passionate marriage.
Monette hosts a weekly podcast: Mornings with Monette. She has been a lifelong learner and and appreciates the opportunity to share what she has learned–both through her podcast and here at The Best-Life Project (based on the content of her weekly podcast). Her messages are raw, honest and straight from the heart. She lives in Albuquerque, NM with her husband Leland. They have three adult children and are enjoying living their best lives filled with travel and adventure.