“Laura, this will be my fourth Christmas in a blended family. I married later in life, and my husband is older than I am. He has adult kids,” Linda, the 57-year-old stepmom shared. “We visit his kids during the holidays. Everyone gets along reasonably well”.
“My problem is when we visit them my stepkids, and their partners, start reminiscing about the past. They go on and on about summer vacations, former Christmas trips, how they picked out the tree, graduations, and weddings. It’s an endless list of happy memories from the days when mom and dad were still married.
“When these conversations carry on, I feel left out. It’s as if I don’t belong at the table. They never ask about my childhood, or my family memories. I feel foolish and immature because I know they had a good life before I came along. I can’t seem to shake the hurt and isolation that rises in me when these conversations begin. What is wrong with me? Why are these conversations generating such a negative response?”
Linda’s feelings are normal. There is no need for her to feel shame or embarrassment. We all want to feel as if we are included, loved, and invited. She merely doesn’t understand stepfamily dynamics, and its causing her to take this personally.
A stepparent is in a position where he or she benevolently and naively strolls into an already existing family unit. Even if a divorce between the parents has occurred, the preexisting bonds, memories, and experiences have solidified them before she arrived. There is a security, acceptance, freedom to be oneself, in a safe family setting. Laughter and tears have unified them into a tight, and typically guarded turf. Even if mom and dad hate each other, the family foundation was formed before the stepparent arrived. Any new person, even one that marries into the tribe, is going to feel “outside that circle”. Even when a sibling brings a new person to the table, he or she will typically be embraced into the circle more quickly than a parent’s new partner.
If I were to join your stepfamily for dinner it would be understood—I’m a guest. I’m not a part of the clan. And no matter how welcoming and warm the people at the table might be, no one expects I will feel as if this is my family. Enthusiastic hospitality will allow me to join in the fun around the dinner table, but if I assume it’s okay to stay the night, I’m crossing a line.
For the stepparent or stepsibling, our culture has created an expectation which has harmed many stepfamilies. When Linda said, “I do” to her husband we assume his kids would, and should, automatically leap eagerly into “instafamily” mode. We expect the stepkids to view, embrace and love her has one of them.
It sounds great, it merely isn’t so easy. Mature, healed stepkids might be alert to the need to include the stepfamily members into the conversation. But many don’t. They don’t even think of it. They aren’t shunning or ignoring the stepparent. They are merely enjoying a family dinner.
For the stepparent, or stepsibling, it’s completely normal to feel like an interloper. You do not have a history together. And they may, or may not, see the need to create one. Often, the reasons why mom and dad are no longer together, play a huge role in whether kids will embrace a stepfamily. If they are willing it will take time, and a desire, to create new memories with your spouse’s family.
Here are a few helpful suggestions for the stepparent:
- Before and after the event surround yourself with people who love and respect you. It can be friends or family, just make certain they embrace you.
- Stepfamily groups are an ideal place to share the common emotions associated with the complexities. If you aren’t in one, find one. If you can’t find one, create one.
- Speak privately with your spouse before the event. Gently share your struggle (note: men often don’t understand this emotion). Come up with a way that your spouse can naturally bring you into the conversation. “Linda, did your family do anything like that at Christmas? Or “Where did you spend Christmas as a child?”
- Introduce one or two of your favorite cookies or treats at the meal but don’t expect the blended family to love them the same way your own family does.
- Grieve the death of the dream that the blended family will function and feel like a first-time family.
- Let go of the expectation that your stepkids will be interested in your family traditions, decorations, memories, or recipes. Unless they are responsible and considerate adults who have emotionally healed, it might take time for them to develop a desire to hear about a stepparent’s life.
- Call a friend if you feel like you are at a moment of crisis.
- Take a break and go for a walk. If the stress gets too high, calmly take a moment (preferably outside, nature has a way of calming us) and pray:
Lord, I don’t like this feeling. I feel unloved, unwanted, rejected. I want to run. I want to cry. Help me. Transform my mind into truth. Who do YOU say I am? Lord, I am your beloved. Even if people reject me, or don’t want me, you do. Holy Spirit remind me who I am and whose I am. Father, lift me above this emotion. Do not allow feelings of rejection to cause me to say, do or react in an unloving manner. Help me to understand how adult stepkids struggle with change too. What the devil wants to use to destroy our new union, turn it around for good.
After you have gathered your thoughts for a bit, take a step out of your comfort zone and kindly engage in the conversation with comments such as:
- That sounds so fun. Tell me more about it.
- How old were each of you when you did that trip?
- What was your favorite memory from that Christmas?
- I want you to know it’s Ok to talk about your family memories even though I wasn’t a part of them. You had a life before me, and I respect that. I had a life before you too and I understand.
This Christmas here’s a great gift to give your stepfamily. Allow your stepkids to reminisce, and share, memories from the past. All stepfamilies are built on loss. A death or a divorce must have occurred for a stepfamily to form. It’s often therapeutic for kids of any age to share past family memories.
Jesus sacrificed heaven to come to us. What if a stepparent’s greatest gift is learning how to let go of the expectation to be recognized? How could peace on earth be revealed in the home, if Jesus, the One, who can heal all things, were the only Source of our significance.
Copyright 2024, May not be duplicated without permission.
Laura Petherbridge is an international author and speaker who serves couples and single adults with topics on relationships, stepfamilies, singles, divorce prevention, and divorce recovery. She is the author of When “I Do” Becomes “I Don’t”—Practical Steps for Healing During Separation and Divorce, The Smart Stepmom, co-authored with Ron Deal, and 101 Tips for The Smart Stepmom: Expert Advice From One Stepmom to Another. Her website is www.TheSmartStepmom.com