7 Steps for Step Grandparents

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4 mins

“My son is engaged to be married soon”, the lively grandmother explained.

“His fiancé has three children (10, 8 and 4) from her first marriage. He has one 5-year-old son from a previous relationship”, she continued.

“We desire to love all the kids equally. Obviously, we have an incredibly profound love for our own grandchild and because of this we have intentionally maintained a good relationship with his biological mother. The rules, atmosphere, and parenting are very different at his mother’s home compared to our family. We watch him when his dad is working. It’s not perfect but we strive to create a stress-free transition time for the child between the two homes”.

“When my son marries his fiancé, everything is going to change. My precious grandson has already experienced so much change in his short life. I’m worried. And I’m not sure how to feel about this?”

“What does my new role as a step grandparent require?”

This sweet grandmother is trying her hardest to do what is best for everyone. It’s not easy to grasp what that might be. And each blended family dynamic is different.

She’s stepping into a new family terrain. And like most of us she’s clueless about how it should function.

If she searches the internet for advice she will read how, “In the blend there are no steps. Everyone, every child, every grandchild, is now equal in every way.” This will likely make her sad because in her heart she knows she loves her grandson in a way she can’t even describe. How is she supposed to feel THE exact same way about three new kids she barely knows.

And yet, she loves her son. She’s happy for him and wants to embrace her daughter in law to be, and her children. She doesn’t want to hurt, ostracize or cause any of them to feel unloved or unwanted.

It’s a conundrum.

Here’s seven steps she can take to move forward.

1. Have an honest conversation with your adult child—alone

First speak to your own child without the fiancé. Ask him/her very specific questions. “I need to know how you envision the relationship between me and your new stepkids? Vacations? Visitation? Finances? Inheritance? Lay out as many detailed and identifiable topics as you can consider. More will arise over time, but this is where to start.

2. Add the fiancé to a second conversation with your adult child

Ask your soon to be in-law what he/she perceives as a reasonable relationship between you and the new stepkids. Be as precise as possible. The fiancé will likely bring up areas of concern that your adult child has not mentioned in the first conversation. It’s likely your child hasn’t observed possible areas of concern but the in law has noticed it. If the fiancé says, “At Christmas your grandchild got a huge new Lego and my child got a t-shirt. That hurt because it was obvious favoritism. I can’t have that,”. The grandparent must listen without becoming defensive and ponder their perspective.

3. Avoid “Pollyanna” responses

If the adults revert to phrases such as “just love them as your own” your job is to tell them that quote sounds nice, and you are certainly willing to love, but you need specifics. This “kumbaya” response which plagues the internet portrays blending families as seamless. It’s not. Consider your questions carefully. Think through the things that are concerning and important to you and address them before the problem arises. What are current activities you enjoy with your grandchild that might change after the wedding? Examples: Are you allowed to take your grandson on a vacation without the other kids? If you have a college fund for him, do they expect you to do the same thing for the new stepkids? Are you allowed to take photos with your grandchild, or post pictures on social media, that don’t include the stepkids? The things that seem trivial or inconsequential now, might be a huge issue to your new in law.

4. There Might be Big Changes and Hurts

It’s wise to prepare for the likelihood that the relationship and activities currently existing with a family member may change. This is particularly true if it’s a son. It’s very common a mom/grandma, and sister, to step in and help a male relative when a divorce with kids occurs. They often become a surrogate parent to help raise the child because dad is working. They take on a replacement role to fill in the gap where mom once resided. This can get very complicated once the son decides to bring a new wife into the picture. Mom and sister must go back to their original role. And it hurts to let go.

5. Kids of Divorce

A great way to become a super step grandparent is to research and learn about kids and divorce. Depending on the circumstances, and how much time the step grandkids spend in the other parent’s home, they may have emotional issues that require more patience, understanding, and insight than your biological grandchild. Becoming educated on why it’s occurring will help to extend compassion to your in-law and his/her kids. Typically, the initial instinct will be to label them as spoiled brats and a bad influence on your grandchild. Go deeper.

6. Different Parenting Styles

The number one reason why stepfamilies fail is due to the remarried couple having differing views and opinions on how to parent. When one has been a lenient single parent, and the other has strong boundaries for their child, it can explode into a massive battle. It is best for the couple to address this before the come under one roof. Unfortunately, many couples are so in love with the idea of remarriage that they ignore the relentless “red flag” that is aggressively trying to get their attention. What’s a grandparent to do? Nothing. Unless a child is in danger, or being harmed, it’s none of your business.

7. Pray and Enjoy

Pray for your step grandkids. You will be amazed at how quickly a grandparent can fall in love with more kids. Step grandparents often share that they have a fabulous love relationship and a beautiful bond with their step grandkids. These little hearts and minds don’t view them as a step anything. They are just Nana or Grandpa. The shocking part is this occurs even when the stepparent doesn’t have a tight connection to their adult stepchild. Somehow, (wink, wink) it skips a generation, and the small child desires a relationship with the step grandparent. It’s a God thing. I believe it’s a reward for remaining diligent in loving the stepfamily members even when it’s complicated.

Grandparent, no one said it would be easy. Jesus loves your family more than you do. Thank God for the power of the Holy Spirit which lives in every disciple of Jesus Christ. He alone gives us the ability to love, forgive, grow and heal in every circumstance.

Be diligent in these matters; give yourself wholly to them, so that everyone may see your progress. Watch your life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them, because if you do, you will save both yourself and your hearers. 1 Timothy 4:15-16

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