Of all the topics I’ve addressed on my podcast over the past few years, this one is giving me sleepless nights. I think the reason is, marriage is such an emotional subject. It’s a topic most people have strong opinions about. Marriage has probably brought people some of the happiest times in their lives and some of their most frustrating and disappointing times in their lives. This is why I am so compelled to dive into this conversation.
A Hard Look at Marriage
If marriage is something most of us are trying to figure out, it’s something that we need to take a hard look at. For all of us, not just myself, I want to not just save our marriage from divorce but to have a strong, passionate, and thriving marriage. This is where we spend most of our lives. So, I’m sharing from my heart truths I’ve discovered through my 30+ years of marriage, through study, and experience
If there has been one thing I know, it’s that no marriage is safe. The enemy is relentless. If Satan can get a foothold in your marriage, he will destroy it. So, hang in here with me, pray about what I am sharing, be discerning, do your research. I feel God is using an imperfect person like me putting it out here, in hopes this series not only saves someone from divorce but reignites a flame in a lifeless marriage like God has done many times in my marriage.
If we go all the way back to the author of marriage, and we are a Christian that believes the Bible is God’s word and God’s truth, then it makes sense that should be our foundation. So why don’t we do it? Because we think we can do marriage in our own strength and understanding. But we live in a fallen broken world and as Christian’s we are all sinners saved by grace. We will struggle in this world. We will struggle in our marriages.
Why Marriage is so Hard?
A little disclaimer here: I’m going to do my best to summarize some truths from the Bible and why marriage is so hard.
We read in the Bible starting in Genesis, it’s been this way ever since the fall of Adam and Eve in the garden when they disobeyed God and they chose to eat from the tree of knowledge, man has been separated from God. Sin entered the world. This is in the very first book of the Bible in Genesis, after Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, God pronounced consequences for their actions. To Adam, God said that the ground would be cursed because of him, and as a result, he would have to toil and work hard for his sustenance. The once-fertile ground would produce thorns and thistles, making it difficult for Adam to grow food. He would have to labor, by the sweat of his brow, to earn his livelihood. This passage Genesis 3:17-19 (NIV): is understood as the origin of the concept that humans must work hard to provide for themselves and their families as a consequence of the original sin.
Similarly, to Eve, Genesis 3:16, after they ate from the tree of knowledge God also pronounced consequences, including pain and increased difficulty in childbirth. Both of these pronouncements are significant elements, illustrating the challenges and hardships that humanity would face as a result of their disobedience in the Garden of Eden. The Bible tells us right in Genesis what would be man’s issue and what would be women’s issues. Haven’t we witnessed those things to be true in our lifetime? It started right there. Adam and Eve both denied and blamed one another and that’s exactly what we do in marriage. Because sin entered the world, marriages would not be perfect. Ok so now we can take that expectation off the table. Marriage will never be perfect. We are two sinful imperfect people.
This is why those fairytales are so misleading. We do not marry Prince Charming and ride off in the sunset. We will have struggles, we will have heartache. Marriage will not solve the sin issue. It only magnifies it.
Well now that we have that on the table, what’s the solution? This may be a review but for many. It is the biblical truth of Christianity. Because man disobeyed God and sin entered the world, we are separated from God and we will experience death and be separated from God eternally—just as God had warned Adam and Eve. This is why He sent his son to die on the cross for our sins so that we may again have a personal relationship with Him. As Christian’s this is where our hope lies. John 3:16 is considered one of the most important and foundational verses in Christianity, summarizing the central message of our Christian faith. Here is the verse:
“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
The Answer
I am no bible scholar but as a Christian I’ve spent the majority of my life reading and studying the Bible. This is the answer. We are sinners saved by grace, all of us. You, me, our husbands if we are married or our future husbands. Every one of us is born with a sin nature. The life of a believer will not be perfect. We will live out our lives with the spirit of God in us, however, we have free will. We can listen to the guidance of the Holy Spirit by reading his word and, through prayer, allow the Holy Spirit to change us or we can ignore him. This process is called sanctification. We are not earning our way to heaven, our salvation is a gift. However, we can study the Bible, attend a bible believing church, and live out our lives following God’s truth, or we can depend on ourselves, create our own rules, and live by the world standard—which as we continue to see is an ever changing set of rules and norms.
In this world many are afraid to share what I just shared with you. I’m sharing this with you because this is what the Bible says. Not me, and by no means have I lived out a sinless life, I’m a sinner just like you saved by grace. This is a non-negotiable in my life. The Bible is a book of Love, Sacrifice, Forgiveness, and guidelines to live in this broken world. And I believe that each of us if we desire to enjoy the gift of marriage and connection with our spouse this is where it begins. It begins with us. I believe God created marriage, it was perfect before the fall and sin came into the world. But I also believe God the creator of marriage has given us the answers to a thriving passionate marriage in a fallen world. His truths never change.
Marriage Foundation
What I am doing in these first few posts on marriage is laying the foundation. I am trying to lay it out in simple terms. I believe these are the foundational truths of marriage. For me, as I’ve journeyed through marriage and hit rock bottom at times, coming back to the basics and God’s truths has always been the answer. Whether it’s pride, unforgiveness, a hardened heart, self-loathing, getting caught up in people pleasing, wanting to throw in the towel, you name it, I’ve probably experienced it. 30+years is a long time!
Action Steps
This week, the action steps I’d like to see you take are:
Get out that journal.
- Write down the scriptures I shared with you, do your own deep dive and test what I’ve shared.
- Reflect on why you got married and why some of your expectations have fallen short.
- Write out the fights you have had. (It doesn’t matter if you won the fight or not. We’ll talk about getting better at arguing with your spouse in another post.) Go back and write, with one word, the cause of the fight. Whether it was you or him. All progress starts by telling the truth.
When you do this, you likely came up with words like selfishness, pride, lying, inconsiderate, feeling unloved, unmet expectation, arrogance, laziness.
By writing and journaling I believe you’ll see most of what you wrote was sin behavior. That is exactly why we need to go to the Bible to understand. Without God and his guidance, we will not be successful with this gift of marriage. We’ll keep coming up short and disappointed.
When the main thing is the main thing, we can put our hope, not in ourselves, but, in the one who created us and created the gift of marriage.
I hope you join me for next week’s post as we get into some practical ideas in creating and experiencing how incredible marriage can be!
Monette hosts a weekly podcast: Mornings with Monette. She has been a life-long learner and and appreciates the opportunity to share what she has learned–both through her podcast and here at The Best-Life Project (based on the content of her weekly podcast). Her messages are raw, honest and straight from the heart. She lives in Albuquerque, NM with her husband Leland. They have three adult children and are enjoying living their best lives filled with travel and adventure.