Is Your Marriage Becoming What You Dreamed Of?

This post is part 5 of my series on marriage. While it can be read on its own,  I encourage you go back and read the four prior to this one. In them, I share with you how I feel God is calling me to talk about marriage. Again I’m a Bible-believing Christian and I feel marriage is under attack.

I’ve been married 30+ years and it’s been a roller coaster ride! I’ve wanted to throw in the towel so many times. Marriage has been one of the most rewarding and one of the most difficult things I have experienced in my lifetime. What I’m sharing with you in this series are the truths I’ve discovered along the way.

Why Did You Get Married?

Here, I want to go back to my original question in part 1. Why did you get married? Or if you’re not yet married, why do you want to get married? The answer to this question is significant!

I am a big journal person for two reasons, getting your thoughts on paper is so different than leaving those thoughts in your head. Writing brings clarity. I also know the value of journaling because when you go back and read, you realize how far you’ve come, or you see these glaring patterns that you may not be happy with and see that it’s an area that still needs addressing. I am a big believer in journaling. So do this exercise. Write down all the reasons you got married. Everything from I fell in love with him, to I wanted to be married and have children, to I wanted a partner to do life with, to because everyone my age was getting married so I found that person and got married too, or I loved my parents’ marriage and I wanted that for myself or I hated my parents’ marriage and didn’t want what they had and I thought I could do it better!

As I shared before, I do believe God gives us the desire to be married.

How’s It Going?

Once you’ve written your why’s, look at that list and check how it’s going. Were any of those reasons, now that you think back, dumb and naïve? Maybe you like your reasons and are happy. Take this a step further: have you ever heard of the concept beginning with the end in mind? I believe most of us probably weren’t well equipped when we started this journey of marriage. Next, assess your marriage right now. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being terrible and 10 being great, how’s it going?

All progress starts by telling the truth. I believe marriage is one of the biggest decisions we make in our life. Marriage is about spending our life with an imperfect sinful person as they have made the same decision committing to spend their life with you an imperfect sinful person.

What Would Your Perfect Marriage Look Like?

Here’s the next journal exercise: describe what you envision your marriage to look like if you could create the perfect marriage for you. Have fun with this. Write down all the things you can come up with. Next, look at what you wrote down. What’s the underlying theme? It is probably not about money, it’s not about stuff. What most of us want is love, connection, and time. God designed us for relationship. The problem is we get caught up in what the world tells us will bring us happiness. More money, more stuff, getting our significance from how popular we are and how many likes we get on social media. We buy the lie, that happiness comes from being with our girlfriends and not our spouse. We tend to have a thought loop going through our heads that tells us: “It my husband were different; I could be happy.”  You may this ideal fantasy of what that should look like. As I shared previously, I believe these are Satan’s lies. If he can distract us enough and we quit valuing our marriage, he gets his foothold.

Is Your Marriage Your Priority?

Is your marriage your priority? Or is it your job, your kids, your women friends, exercise, is it consumption of social media? Or it could even be your volunteer work. The reason I can name all these things is because I have been guilty of most of them.

During the first decade of our marriage, I was a stay home mom. I was also part of an MLM business and had built a very large organization. I was driven to meet my goals. One of the people I had recruited wanted to have a big meeting and invite all these people. I was thrilled. We set it up. I was so caught up in the moment I didn’t realize we had set it up on my anniversary. My husband was disappointed. At this time, I was so caught up in getting my significance from my business, I was blinded by how selfish this really was. We had the meeting, she thought she would get 40 or 50 people. Two people showed up that night. It was a complete bust! This was one of my many wake-up calls. What a nightmare! My husband and I got through that time, but it still hurts my heart when I revisit that decision. He wasn’t my priority; my worth was coming from my business. Like many women, I’ve made mistakes and bought Satan’s lies.

We must protect our marriage. The world is enticing. If you want a strong passionate thriving marriage, it must be your priority! We must guard our hearts and our minds, we must make this relationship, this gift called marriage a top priority. Is your love for your spouse your highest priority?

Back to “beginning with the end in mind”—a term used all the time in business. If you don’t value your marriage and you take it for granted, you will get just that. I hope to help you wake up. I’ve seen it happen to too many of my friends. They ignored the warning signs, Satan got his foothold, and their marriage ended in divorce.  In my marriage, I’ve been at the place where it was dead. We get distracted. We start holding onto anger, we ignore the warning signs, we settle. Marriage is too important not to be good at it! We get good at what we practice. Where our focus goes, our attention flows.

Do you want a strong passionate thriving marriage? I believe that’s what God wants for each of us. Pray for God to show you those areas in your heart where you have unforgiveness, resentment, apathy, even comparison to other people’s marriages. I believe within the boundaries of marriage, God has created a unique and special space where God can grow us, change us and teach us. The same is true for our spouses. It is a lifelong process.

I hope you’re doing the exercise of journaling and writing the answers to these questions. We can overcome those challenges we have in our marriage and come out on the other side. Please ponder what I’ve shared. Above all, pray about what I have shared and how it applies to you and your marriage.

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Monette hosts a weekly podcast: Mornings with Monette. She has been a life-long learner and and appreciates the opportunity to share what she has learned–both through her podcast and here at The Best-Life Project (based on the content of her weekly podcast). Her messages are raw, honest and straight from the heart. She lives in Albuquerque, NM with her husband Leland. They have three adult children and are enjoying living their best lives filled with travel and adventure.