“I feel badly for my kids and stepkids during the holidays,” Amber, a stepmom explained. “They are shuffled between homes, unfamiliar traditions, and new stepfamily members. I can tell it’s stressful for them. I wish there was something I could do to make it easier.”
Amber recognizes the complexities and tension the holidays can stir in a stepfamily.
Here are some ideas that can help:
Early Communication
There are two areas where Amber is responsible for communication. The sooner she has these discussions the better it is for everyone. First, is with her former spouse. If possible, a calm discussion reviewing visitation times and places is crucial. The children should not enter this chat, it should be conducted between two mature adults who care more about the children then they do, “winning the day.”
The second is with her own children explaining the plans that she and their father have decided upon.
Amber’s husband should be the one to have the same discussion with his former spouse. It’s not uncommon for a husband to put off the conversation with his ex-wife until the last minute. This is especially true if they have a tumultuous relationship. However, waiting only creates more
Many divorce agreements or court orders clearly define the parameters for holidays. If one of the former spouses refuses to abide by the legal agreement that’s when major disruption occurs. However, you cannot control the other person or the other home.
Recognize reality
It’s normal for a stepparent to desire, “heavenly peace,” during the holidays. However, sometimes that isn’t possible. Learning what’s possible to control and letting go of the things that cannot be controlled is a huge learning curve. For example, if the husband’s ex-spouse chooses to withhold the children or create chaos at the last minute, that is something the stepmom cannot control. Fighting, demanding, and threatening typically do not resolve conflict.
A stepparent’s job is to help the spouse think through the options available or assisting in seeking wise counsel, including legal help after the holidays are over.
Lower the Expectations
If there is a history of drama with certain family members, or a former spouse, assume and prepare that it is probable to happen again this year. It’s advisable for the couple to have a rational conversation regarding how they will respond if the former spouse chooses the same actions this year.
If the struggle over having the kids on Christmas day becomes so intense that it ruins everyone’s holiday, including the children, then it might be advisable to have the celebration with them on a different day.
I’m not suggesting they let the former spouse rule everything. I am recommending that they work toward peace, even if it means sacrificing what you prefer for the sake of the children.
Keep the Main Thing the Main Thing
The goal for the holidays should not be focused on a price tag or the number of gifts received. Instead, whenever possible create memories of a home filled with respect, compromise, and tranquility. Amber can set the tone in her home by creating a warm atmosphere where her children and her stepchildren know they are loved. Even when the former spouses attempt to disrupt the peace, she can still create calm in her home. It’s not easy, especially if Amber’s own children are being affected by the other home’s decisions.
She will need to continuously ask herself, “When my children and stepchildren grow up what memories do I want them to have about Christmas in our home? What is within my control to help these children have pleasant thoughts and experiences? Will they remember the night we laughed while baking cookies or the fight over who has them on Christmas Eve?”
Acknowledge the Loss
All stepfamilies are formed out of loss. A death or divorce has occurred, and that means grief—for everyone. Holidays and memories have a habit of triggering various emotions. One way to help a family member accept the changes the remarriage has created is to acknowledge their wound.
For example, if Amber’s mother-in-law is hurt or angry that the family doesn’t have the same traditions and plans as they did when her son was married to his first wife it will go a long way if she mentions that hurt. “I know when Joe was married to Jan you used to have a big dinner at your house on Christmas Eve and you made all your family’s traditional foods. And now, since his divorce and our remarriage, all of that has changed. I’m so sorry. That must be painful. I can see how it might cause resentment. What can I do to ease the situation? Would you like to make the pie they love and bring it Sunday when the kids are here instead?”
When a family member believes no one comprehends their pain, they tend to lash out. Knowing someone sees what she has lost, or how her traditions have dissolved, can help extended family members get on board with the stepfamily dynamics that may be vastly different.
Amber can’t control the actions of anyone else – not even her husband should he choose to respond poorly. However, she can opt to look at the baby in the manger who knows more about rejection, being hated, and discord than anyone else who is ever lived.
He also has half siblings. Jesus knows what it’s like to be in a stepfamily. And his half siblings didn’t always support Him. Sometimes they were downright nasty.
In my 38-year stepmom journey I can remember more than one Christmas when I wanted to walk out to the manger in the Nativity scene in my front yard and ask Baby Jesus to move over. I needed to find a place of heavenly peace the angels sang about. It didn’t matter that I was in New York, and it was 10 degrees outside.
I knew He was the only one that could provide rest for my weary soul. And I was desperate.
Fortunately, the Holy Spirit never leaves us. His comfort and joy are always available to those who call upon Him.
Laura Petherbridge is an international author and a professional speaker on subjects related to: singles, divorce recovery, divorce prevention, stepfamilies, relationships and spiritual growth. She has written four books addressing marriage/divorce and stepfamily life. Free articles, newsletters, resources and additional information may be found on her website www.LauraPetherbridge.com or www.TheSmartStepmom.com
My heart aches reading this. You are so right. Early comminication between the adults must become the key. Thank you for putting out practical suggestions to help keep the main thing the MAIN thing!
It can be so difficult if the others are determined to be miserable. I learned to step back and stop taking it personally. Another hard task. And to remember to occasionally be around people and girlfriends who love and appreciate me. I may never get that from stepfamily so I had to lower my expectations and not let it create bitterness in my heart
I’m find managing expectations during the holidays is the most helpful for me. This is an excellent blog post with helpful insight for us all, but especially for step-families. I do have first hand experience and understand the complexities of splitting days and celebrations.