Is this Lie Destroying Your Marriage?

I find that unworthiness is the root cause of many of our issues in marriage. I briefly talked about it in the previous installment and want to go deeper on the topic now.

Do You Feel Unworthy?

Do you ever feel unworthy? Can you remember when you first felt these feelings? I think it can probably be traced back to when we wanted our parents’ attention, and we didn’t get it. Maybe when we were sent to school, and we felt the teacher picking her teacher’s pet and it wasn’t us. Or maybe we felt it when we started our friendship circles, and we experienced being excluded. Some of us had harder upbringings than others.

If you’ve listened to some of my original podcast episodes, you know my story. For those who are new, here’s a quick summary. I share this because I feel it’s important for this discussion of feeling unworthy.

My Story

I grew up in a small town. From the time I was 10-years-old, my mom raised my sisters, my brother, and me on her own because my father committed suicide. My mom never remarried. I love my mom for all the sacrifices she made. She was a strong and independent woman and did the best she could. But, when your dad commits suicide, there is a lot of associated shame. Then, no one talked about suicide. Looking back, I feel this contributed to my feelings of unworthiness.

What about you? Maybe it was when your first boyfriend broke up with you. Or, maybe your parents divorced, or you were bullied, or you felt too skinny or too fat. We can all look back, through not only our childhood but probably our lifetime, and point back to the experiences that we had that compound this feeling of unworthiness. Don’t get me started on social media and comparison of our worst moments in comparison to someone else’s highlight reel. Talk about a machine that fuels people’s feeling of unworthiness or not enoughness! Getting our worth from the outside, leads to people pleasing and wanting the approval of others to get our worth. We get in the trap of needing validation. Please think seriously about this! Use your journal. Write the question: “Do I feel unworthy?” Think back to those experiences that are coming to mind. Not to start blaming the people in these situations but to see how powerful these emotions really are.

Expecting Validation from Others

I believe this is need for validation is one of Satan’s biggest lies. We are going to bring this right back to marriage. If your expectation of your spouse is to give you your needed validation of worthiness this has a chokehold on your marriage. This leads to conditional love. It takes you to the place of giving for wanting something in return. Holding your spouse responsible for your worthiness kills spontaneity and freedom in your marriage. Basing your worth on outside validation leads to people pleasing which leads to lying. You change who you are so you can be accepted. That does not create a healthy marriage.

This feeling of unworthiness comes as a part of our sin nature. The Bible discusses feelings of unworthiness and the separation of humanity from God after the fall of Adam and Eve in the Garden. Genesis 3:6-10 (NIV) addresses this. When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves. Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden. But the Lord God called to the man, “Where are you?” He answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.

In these verses, we see Adam and Eve’s immediate reaction to their disobedience to God’s command. They become aware of their nakedness and try to cover themselves, symbolizing their newfound sense of shame and unworthiness in the presence of God.

Throughout the Bible, there are so many passages that discuss humanity’s separation from God due to sin and the longing for reconciliation.

Here is just one example in the New Testament, Romans 3:23 (NIV): For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. This verse emphasizes the human condition of falling short of God’s glory due to sin, highlighting a sense of unworthiness and separation from God.

Getting Worthiness from Our Faith

The theme of redemption and reconciliation with God is the central message of the Bible, there are so many verses discussing how God, through His grace and mercy, provides a way for humanity to bridge the gap caused by sin. This ultimately leads to the message of salvation through faith in Jesus Christ!

The ultimate answer to the feeling of unworthiness is our faith in Jesus Christ! Getting our worth from our relationship with Him. Studying, trusting, and believing in his word.

In your journal, write down Psalm 139:14 (NIV): I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. This verse is a beautiful expression of the psalmist’s recognition that God has created each person with care and precision, instilling inherent worth and value in them.

Man’s Approval is Never Enough

So, here it is plain and simple: If we spend our lives living for man’s approval, it will never be enough! I keep saying our highest priority needs to be our relationship with the one who created us. Our worthiness comes from Him. The more we come to believe this through faith and studying His word, the better able we are to see our spouse with unconditional love and caring.

We build relationships with people we spend time with. The same thing is true with our relationship with the creator. It must be a priority. When you spend time in His word, learning God’s character and seeing how much he loves his children, your attitude and views of your worthiness change. I do my best when I set up something on a consistent basis. Years ago, I found the app Our Daily Bread and downloaded it. It’s a different scripture every day. It’s the first thing I read every morning, before I allow myself to check social media. I also have the app Abide on my phone. It’s a 2 minute Christian meditation I listen to each morning and it shares a different scripture each day with application. I have a prayer journal I write in. It’s my personal time with God. Laying everything I’m worried about at his feet. I’m also praying and thanking him for all he has given me. I pray for my husband and my adult children. I share this not because I have it all figured out, but because if I don’t do this each and every morning it’s easy to get pulled into this world. I’m equipping myself for the day. It keeps me in check with where my worth comes from. I’ve also learned from the many Bible studies I’ve been a part of. Attending church is also important. So many of us got out of the habit of attending church when they were shut down during the pandemic. Satan got another foothold there. Attending a Bible believing church is central to your growth as a Christian.

God knows the difficulties of marriage. Bringing two imperfect sinful people together who both have feelings of unworthiness. But He is the answer to our unworthiness—and we learn this by studying and learning His truths of who we are. Getting our worth from Him, gives us renewed hope, strength, and courage. This is an essential piece of the puzzle. I invite you to test me on this! Read those scriptures and pray about it. If Satan can keep you in the place of feeling unworthy, looking to the world, or to your spouse, to be worthy he is going to keep you right there in that feeling of not being enough. He is winning.

Take your journal and write your thoughts on how you are going to spend time on your relationship with the one who created you and marriage. What if what I am sharing is true? I believe with all my heart this will change you and change your marriage. It’s changed mine!

I truly feel the joy of life is in the journey and when we trust our worthiness to the one who created us we will experience tremendous joy on this journey—especially the journey of marriage.

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Monette hosts a weekly podcast: Mornings with Monette. She has been a life-long learner and and appreciates the opportunity to share what she has learned–both through her podcast and here at The Best-Life Project (based on the content of her weekly podcast). Her messages are raw, honest and straight from the heart. She lives in Albuquerque, NM with her husband Leland. They have three adult children and are enjoying living their best lives filled with travel and adventure.