Do you have a great marriage and wish it could be better? Or are you at the other end of the spectrum and you’re just about to give up on your marriage and throw in the towel? You could also be in the middle somewhere, just roommates with your spouse.
You are exactly where you are because it’s where you want to be. I can almost feel pushback: “Oh no I’m not! I want a strong thriving intimate relationship with my spouse but he____!” It’s your go to comment. It comes out of your mouth automatically. It comes out automatically because you’ve thought it for so long and said it for so long. You’re in kind of a trance. Believing whatever the thoughts are that are in your head.
What’s your personal story?
- I’m not my husband’s priority, if he would only show me attention.
- I’m not important to him.
- He changed after we got married.
- My husband is ____ (you fill in the blank).
It’s the same story you share with all your friends; why you marriage isn’t working. It’s the very reason you are right here, right now, in whatever condition of your marriage is!
It is You
I bring this up now, after all the ideas I’ve shared about marriage, because it doesn’t matter. None of all the things we have talked about matter because you are not ready! My podcast series/blog posts will only be one more thing that you try. But Nothing will change, you will not change your marriage.
This sounds harsh, but I know this to be true, because I’ve sat where you’re sitting. I’ve read the marriage books, gone to the seminars, gotten all the tactical things to try to make a better marriage. And you know what? They work temporally. They are Band-Aid fixes. But they will not work long term. Why do I know? Because it’s not about getting more head knowledge. I can give you all the scriptures to back up the foundation of why marriages are difficult; that Satan is prowling around ready to devour marriages. All of that is true. As a Christian, you know some of the verses. You may be a better Bible scholar than I am. Your problem is not that you don’t have enough information. The problem is you don’t believe it is you!
I could give you great information to revive and awaken your marriage, but it doesn’t matter. Where you are, and whatever kind of marriage you have, is because it’s what you want. It’s working for you on some level. Even if you are in complete misery and unhappy, that is serving you. You are blinded! This is harsh I know, you’re in your head right now thinking this is absurd.
A Crossroad
The most important question I will ask you: “Do you want a better marriage?” I mean really want it to your core. Not a flippant answer. Not because you should want it. I want you to do some soul searching. I don’t want this answer to come from your head. This answer must come from your heart. I could create 20 installments for this series. And it would not matter.
I hope I have your attention. This series is not about me! I am not going to sugar coat what I feel God has put on my heart. God love’s you and wants to give you the desires of your heart. But there is a cost. The cost is your pride! All of the layers of protection you have created to protect yourself; the blaming and pointing fingers at your spouse; the stuff you have convinced yourself about your spouse, about why you are unhappy is a lie. Your knee jerk reaction is to blame your husband for everything. You don’t want to admit that you are a coward. All your girlfriends pat you on the back and letting you know it’s not your fault; you’re justified for not wanting a physical relationship with him.
I hope I have your attention. I’m going to say this as loving as I can. You need to wake up. You have been operating in a place of fear and self-protection. You have created the marriage you now have.
100% Responsibility
Of all the ideas I have shared up to this point, this is the most important one. You have to take 100% responsibility for your life right now. I am saying this with love and compassion. All of your friends who are listening to you and allowing you to stay in the place of being a victim, even though they think they are being a loving friend, are deceived.
Be honest with yourself. It’s the only way. This is a harsh truth. You will experience freedom if you trust me on this. Your situation will change. Your marriage will change. Your life will change.
If you are feeling resistance right now to what I’m saying, I get it. Everything in you doesn’t want to believe me. I felt the same way, until I discovered the truth. God woke me up. I had so much head knowledge. What He showed me was my heart, not my head, that was the problem. I had spent so much of my life setting up my life from my head. I was very good at it too! When I would go to a Christian counselor with my husband, I was quite good at convincing even the counselor that the issues in my marriage were all my husband. Not me, I’m the innocent one. I had spent my entire life in protective mode. Guarding my heart, not trusting and blaming. I was sitting right where you are. Feeling dead inside. Not even knowing who I was, what my purpose should be.
If you are still with me, this is the truth that God is putting on my heart for you. Are you willing to do the work? This is going to take courage. God did not give us a spirit of fear.
You have to be willing to surrender your need to be right. You are going to have to forgive, not just lip service. From the depth of your soul, forgive, not just your husband, but yourself. You must be willing to allow the Holy Spirit to change your heart and surrender. You are going to have to quit listening to bad advice from well-intended people. Even if they are Christians. Sometimes Christian’s give bad advice because they are blinded by how much they love you. You are going to have to not just listen to my episodes/read my posts, you are going to have to take the action steps I give you. I know this is scary.
Your marriage can be greater than you ever imagined. But you must stop being so stubborn. Are you Ready? Do you truly want to go on this journey with me? It is going to take a commitment. You are going to have to stop being shut down. You are going to have to quit feeling sorry for yourself. Stop being a martyr. You are going to have to quit lying to yourself. It is going to take courage! If you stay with me, I believe this will change your life! And the great news is you don’t have to get a new spouse! In fact, I believe you can have stronger feelings for your spouse than when you first got married. Bottom line, you can do what you’ve been doing, and you will keep getting what you’re getting. Or you can lay down all your defensiveness and open your heart. You get to choose. God gave us free will; we are not robots. We get to choose. The person that is going to lose out if you choose to stay the same is you. I don’t want you to wish you would have not been so stubborn. It’s your life and you get to decide.
Be willing to question everything. God wants your heart! He knows you are hurting, and you’ve hidden it so well. Are you willing to continue on these journeys with me as God is calling you to release and open your clenched hands. God brought me through all of it and he can do it for you too! If you’re willing!
The phrase “Pride goes before the fall” comes right out of the Bible (Proverbs 16:18, NIV): “Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.” This verse emphasizes that excessive pride or arrogance can lead to a person’s downfall or ruin.
We are not talking about you getting your husband to do anything. This is 100% about you! You are 100% responsible for you. Your thoughts, your feelings, and your actions!
The only action step I want you to take from this installment is to answer the question: “Do you want a strong thriving successful marriage? Are you ready?”
If you are not, and you like where you are and where your marriage is, don’t keep reading this series. You are not ready. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. Where we will go from here is serious. It is going to challenge you, like you have never been challenged. You are not going to like what I’m going to say to you. But that’s just it, I love you enough to tell you the truth if you want to listen. Otherwise all of this is just entertainment.
Have you ever heard the statement “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear?” That’s my question. Are you ready? I am sharing from my heart. I know you can fall back in love with your husband. This is not a head issue; this is a heart issue. I want you to continue with me in this series. I believe you are here for a reason! My question is: “Are you READY?”
Pray about what I am sharing. Are you dead in your marriage relationship, just going through the motions? Journal and answer the questions I ask you.
Monette hosts a weekly podcast: Mornings with Monette. She has been a life-long learner and and appreciates the opportunity to share what she has learned–both through her podcast and here at The Best-Life Project (based on the content of her weekly podcast). Her messages are raw, honest and straight from the heart. She lives in Albuquerque, NM with her husband Leland. They have three adult children and are enjoying living their best lives filled with travel and adventure.