When adult children have families of their own, perhaps the best holiday tradition is flexibility.
Remember when planning Christmas was simple? The family gathered at Grandma’s house on Christmas Eve, opened presents on Christmas morning, and sat down together for Christmas dinner. Everyone knew where to be and when. Then the children grew up. They married, had children of their own, moved across the country, and acquired another whole set of parents and grandparents. Suddenly, the family calendar began to resemble a complicated puzzle—with everyone vying for time.
And that’s when the holidays, supposedly the most wonderful time of the year, can become an exhausting exercise in keeping everyone happy.
Who Gets Christmas?
Recently, author and speaker Kathi Lipp shared a Facebook post that struck a chord with thousands of readers. I’ve known Kathi for decades and shared some of her insights in a July article. This time, she offered a deceptively simple piece of advice to parents of adult children: Don’t insist on celebrating holidays on the actual day.
Kathi borrowed a principle from her husband, Roger, an engineer, who taught her that when approaching a project, you can have better, cheaper, or faster—but you can’t have all three. She suggests that holidays with adult children present a similar dilemma. Parents may want three things:
- All the children together.
- Everyone there on the actual holiday.
- Everyone happy about it.
Pick two!
It’s a humorous way of making a serious point. Sometimes our determination to have everything just the way we’ve always had it gets in the way of enjoying the people we love.
Kathi and Roger have a blended family, with adult children, spouses, extended families, and competing commitments. So they decided to become what Kathi calls “the easy family.” Rather than insisting that everyone gather on December 25, they celebrate when it works for everyone. This year, their family Christmas will be in January.
Kathi’s post generated more than 800 comments and was shared more than 1,500 times. Clearly, she had touched on something many families are experiencing. Intrigued, I began discussing the subject with friends who are navigating these very challenges with their adult children and grandchildren. Their experiences, along with the creative solutions and sometimes painful admissions shared in the Facebook conversation, helped shape this article.
When Traditions Meet Real Life
I don’t have children of my own, but my husband, Chuck, has two adult daughters. We’ve been fortunate. Their family traditionally celebrated Christmas Eve, while my family’s tradition was Christmas Day. That difference has spared us some of the competing expectations other families face. But I have plenty of friends whose children are married, grandchildren have arrived, and holiday plans require considerable negotiation. I’ve heard enough stories to know that the pressure is real.
Consider the young couple trying to make four sets of grandparents happy. Or the family with three small children expected to travel between houses on Christmas Day, packing up toys and tired children just when everyone is beginning to relax. Then there are families with children who work in healthcare, law enforcement, emergency services, retail, or other professions where holidays are simply another workday. Distance adds yet another complication. When families are scattered across several states, gathering everyone in one place can be difficult, if not impossible, regardless of the date.
The question becomes: Are we preserving a meaningful family tradition, or an expectation that no longer serves the family?
The Calendar Is Not the Celebration
One of the most interesting things about the responses to Kathi’s post was the variety of ways families have adapted. Some have moved Thanksgiving to Friday, freeing Thursday for other family gatherings and giving everyone a full day together without rushing. Others celebrate Christmas the weekend before or after December 25.
Several families have established a Christmas in July tradition, taking advantage of summer weather, easier travel, and a less crowded calendar. Some turn the occasion into an extended family getaway. Still others gather on New Year’s Day or simply choose a date when everyone can attend.
What strikes me is that these families haven’t abandoned their traditions. They’ve adapted them. The decorations may go up at a different time. The turkey may be served on Friday. The grandchildren may open Christmas presents in shorts and sandals. But the laughter, stories, hugs, and joy of being together are still there.
Perhaps we’ve placed too much importance on the date and not enough on the celebration itself.
Giving the Next Generation Room to Make Memories
Another recurring theme in the comments was the memory of being the young family caught in the middle. Mothers recalled packing children into cars, driving from one gathering to another, and spending much of Christmas Day worrying about being late to the next destination. They remembered the stress of disappointing parents or in-laws, even when doing their best to please everyone. Sometimes, all they really wanted was to stay home and enjoy Christmas with their own little family.
Now, as parents and grandparents themselves, many are determined to do things differently. They’re encouraging their adult children to enjoy Christmas morning at home, letting the little ones play with their new toys rather than immediately packing everything up to go somewhere else. Some grandparents schedule a video call on Christmas morning and plan their extended family celebration for another day.
And there’s an interesting irony here. Sometimes the very traditions parents worked so hard to establish are exactly what their adult children want to recreate in their own homes. We taught them the importance of being together, making Christmas special for their children, and creating memories that would last a lifetime. Now they’re doing exactly that—just not necessarily at our house. Recognizing that doesn’t eliminate the disappointment, but perhaps it helps us see that our traditions haven’t been lost. They’ve been passed along.
It’s a lovely example of how experiences from one generation can inspire a different approach for the next. Perhaps one of the most generous gifts we can give our adult children is permission to create traditions of their own.
But What About the Parents?
Of course, there’s another side to this conversation. For parents who spent decades creating memorable holidays for their children, letting go of those traditions can be difficult. Perhaps you’ve hosted Christmas dinner every year for thirty years. The house has always been full, the kitchen busy, and the grandchildren excitedly waiting to open gifts. Now the children have homes and families of their own, and their plans don’t necessarily include being at your house on Christmas Day. Even when you understand the reasons, the change can sting.
Some women responding to Kathi’s post admitted missing the large family Christmases of years past. Others acknowledged that spending the actual holiday alone can be lonely, particularly without a spouse or companion. Sometimes the disappointment is compounded by comparisons with other grandparents who live closer or have greater financial resources to bring everyone together. Even when no one intends it to be a competition, it can feel that way.
Those feelings deserve consideration, too. There’s nothing wrong with cherishing family traditions or feeling disappointed when they change. As one friend told me, “I can be frustrated at all that ‘isn’t’ or enjoy the ‘what is.’” The challenge is acknowledging those feelings without allowing them to become obligations for our children.
Perhaps it’s time to create new traditions for ourselves. Some couples enjoy a quiet Christmas Day together, then celebrate with their children and grandchildren on another date. Instead of losing a celebration, they’ve gained a second one. Others go to the movies, dine out, visit friends, attend church, or simply enjoy a peaceful day at home. A different Christmas doesn’t necessarily have to be a disappointing one.
Being Flexible Doesn’t Mean Being Left Waiting
Here’s another aspect of holiday planning that deserves attention. Sometimes parents aren’t particularly concerned about whether their children come home for Christmas. They’re perfectly willing to celebrate another day—or not gather at all that year. What they do want is to know what the plans are!
Adult children juggling careers, children, in-laws, and busy schedules sometimes postpone holiday decisions until the last minute. Meanwhile, their parents are expected to keep the calendar open—just in case. Should they prepare Christmas dinner? Invite friends? Plan a trip? Or wait to see whether the children will be coming home?
There may even be an assumption that because Mom and Dad are retired, they have nothing else to do. But retirement doesn’t mean sitting at home waiting for the phone to ring! Many of us have full calendars, active friendships, volunteer commitments, and opportunities to travel. We might even like to accept an invitation or plan a holiday getaway ourselves.
Being flexible about when we celebrate shouldn’t mean being the last to know whether we’re celebrating. A timely yes—or no—is a courtesy that allows everyone to make plans.
There’s an emotional element, too. When one side of the family consistently receives first consideration while the other waits to see what dates remain, disappointment can turn into resentment. Several responses to Kathi’s post raised this concern. Some parents feel like doormats when being the easy family means the less accommodating family always gets its way.
Being gracious doesn’t require giving up every preference or accepting whatever arrangements are left over. Perhaps families can alternate years, share the planning, or discuss expectations earlier. Adult children can extend some grace in return by communicating their decisions promptly, even when the answer isn’t the one their parents hoped to hear.
Flexibility works best when it’s accompanied by mutual consideration. Parents have lives, friendships, opportunities, and holiday plans of their own. Those deserve consideration, too.
Simplifying More Than the Schedule
Once families begin reconsidering when they celebrate, they may discover opportunities to simplify how they celebrate, too. Some have replaced elaborate holiday dinners with slow-cooker soups and other comfort foods, spending less time preparing meals and more time visiting. Others have abandoned complicated gift exchanges, opting for homemade cookies, simple gifts for the grandchildren, or no gifts at all.
Some have discovered the joy of potluck gatherings, casual brunches, or celebrations where everyone arrives in comfortable clothes and nobody worries about setting a perfect table—maybe even using paper plates. And why not? The holidays don’t have to be a production. They’re an opportunity for connection.
For those of us who enjoy decorating, cooking, entertaining, and keeping cherished traditions alive, there’s no reason to abandon the things that bring us joy. But there’s also no reason to insist that everyone else enjoy them in exactly the same way.
The Best Gift May Be Flexibility
What I found most encouraging about Kathi’s post wasn’t the clever scheduling ideas, although there were plenty. It was the number of parents who had consciously decided to take pressure off their adult children. They wanted their children to know that an invitation was just that—an invitation, not an obligation. And several discovered an unexpected benefit. When their children no longer felt pressured to attend family gatherings, they often wanted to come.
Imagine that!
When being together becomes a choice rather than a duty, perhaps everyone enjoys it a little more. But there’s a lesson for every generation here. Parents can offer flexibility without guilt. Adult children can respond with thoughtful communication and consideration. And everyone can recognize that changing traditions doesn’t mean changing how much we love one another.
With Thanksgiving and Christmas approaching, this might be a good time to talk with your family about expectations, traditions, and what matters most. Ask what would make the holidays easier for everyone. Listen to the answers. Consider something different. And make decisions early enough that everyone has the freedom to enjoy the season, whatever their plans may be.
Perhaps this is even a conversation worth sharing with the next generation. Sometimes an article like this can open the door to a discussion that might otherwise feel uncomfortable. Instead of one person expressing disappointment or another feeling criticized, everyone has an opportunity to consider a different perspective.
You may discover that the celebration you’ve always had isn’t necessarily the celebration that works best for the family you have today. After all, the heart of the holiday isn’t just a square on the calendar. It’s the people we love, the relationships we nurture, and the memories we continue to make together.
And sometimes, one of the most loving things we can say is:
Let’s celebrate whenever we can be together.
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Marita Littauer Tedder is founder of The Best-Life Project, where she encourages women to embrace the sweet spot where health, time, and resources intersect. A former professional speaker and author of 20 books, she believes some of life’s richest years begin after sixty. Through stories of friendship, reinvention, travel, and everyday courage, she invites readers to become the very best version of themselves. Marita and her husband, Chuck, live in Lubbock, Texas.
Great article and so needed. Holidays can be so difficult and this I a great idea. Thanks for sharing